Provisions in the new MLB Collective Bargaining Agreement
MLB and the MLB Players' Association agreed yesterday on an extention of the CBA through 2011. Here are some of the new provisions contained within:
The Sexson / Glaus Clause: Any player who misses more than 120 games in the final year of his contract will be rewarded with a contract worth no less than 8 figures annually (although more than 8 figures shall be acceptable).
The Beltran / Beckett Clause: Any player who hits over .320 in the postseason or pitchers who pitch one memorable postseason start must receive pay increases of at least, but not limited to, 2800% of their current salary.
The Beltre / Soriano Clause: When players' stats double in their contract years, not only is no one allowed to notice or care, but that player shall then be paid for at least four seasons as though they will maintain that level of improvement over each of them (thus, for Soriano's impending 180-HR 2010 season, he should be scheduled to make $45 million)
The Chan-Ho / Burnett Clause: The best free-agent pitcher available in a given offseason will be deemed the instant answer to every team's problems and shall be paid accordingly, plus an additional $4 million.
The Byrnes / Eckstein Clause: Marginally talented white players shall be overpaid but not vastly overpaid, lest their distinction as "guys who hustle and get dirty" be reduced to "overpaid, glorified roleplayers"
The A-Rod Cap: No player's salary shall exceed Alex Rodriguez' $26-million deal so that he can continue to be martyred as the face of baseball's economic savagery while Derek Jeter makes $21 million, Jason Giambi makes $20 million, and Mike Mussina makes $19 million.
The Driefort / Clement Clause: Any player who has ever pitched in a baseball game, regardless of results, shall be given no less than $8 million dollars when available for free agency. (Milton Corollary: Additional $2 million if the pitcher is left-handed)
The Drew / Hunter Clause: Similar to Dreifort / Clement, any person who has hit a baseball ever, at any level of play, will have giant sacks with dollar signs literally dropped onto them from helicopters; they will continue to receive this money even if struck and injured by said moneybags to the point of being unable to play.