Thursday, November 30, 2006

Carter rips Strahan for ripping Burress about ripping Manning

Left guard, punter also criticized for some reason

Earlier today, Giants #2 receiver Tim Carter blasted defensive end Michael Strahan after his comments criticizing receiver Plaxico Burress for making negative statements about Eli Manning's leadership and his own lack of effort.

"It's just uncalled for," said the normally soft-spoken Carter. "We've lost three games in a row, the last thing we need is for guys to get self-righteous and blast guys because they alienated other guys. It's just not acceptable to single out teammates, and that's exactly what my teammate Michael Strahan did."

Carter's teammates have not reacted favorably to his outburst.

"It's completely unacceptable," defensive tackle Fred Robbins told a gaggle of reporters a few minutes after Carter's statements. "If you have a problem with a teammate, you settle it face-to-face. You can't go talking about specific guys to the media. Tim Carter should know that."

The emerging Carter-Strahan animosity is just the latest chapter in a Giants season rife with tension, including the well-publicized Manning/Burress and Shockey/Coughlin feuds, as well as the lesser-known feud between third-string quarterback Tim Hasselbeck and backup linebacker Gerris Wilkinson, who videotaped themselves getting into a fight after Sunday's game and mailed the tape to the Associated Press.

Coach Tom Coughlin is expected to release a statement today condemning both Carter's statements and Robbins' subsequent reaction to them. The statement is also expected to question the lack of effort by veteran kick returner Chad Morton as well as former Giant Ike Hilliard, now with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Baseball Hot Stove Report - Tuesday, November 28

Who's afraid of the big bad Wolf's injury-plagued history? - The Dodgers took a chance on lefty Randy Wolf, signing him to a one year, $8 million deal with a club option for a 5 year, $70 million extension in 2007.

Zaun Daddy Zaun - Toronto signed Gregg Zaun to a two-year, $7.25 million deal, solidifying their backup catcher spot for at least the next two years.

Adam Eaton' up the Phils' money - The Phillies signed Adam Eaton to a 3 year, $24 million contract; to appease the Philly fans, Eaton will spend the offseason in the Carribean getting a major tan, and he will have to answer to the name "Soriano".

Use the force, Delluc' - Cleveland signed David Dellucci to a three year, $11.5 million deal; GM Mark Shapiro admitted he was going to ask Carlos Lee to the dance but got scared and signed the lonely Dellucci in a panic.

We need Balti-more relievers! - The Orioles are on the verge of adding Chad Bradford and Scott Williamson to their bullpen just days after signing Danys Baez; Manager Sam Perlozzo explained, "We know we have no chance of ever winning the AL East. But a mug that says 'World's Greatest Bullpen Grandpa'? That would be sweet."

Friday, November 24, 2006

Friday, November 17, 2006

Beane hires Geren as new A's manager

At a press conference today, Oakland A's GM Billy Beane officially named Bob Geren the team's new manager. Beane then stepped aside, and Geren emerged from underneath the podium to address the media.

"Oog oog, me feel extremely honored and priviledged to be named manager of the A's," said Geren, Oakland's former bench coach under Ken Macha. "Me look forward to working with good group of vibrant eccentrics our terrific General Manager has assembled, and teaching players how to take a lot of pitches, and the value of high on-base percentages and good Sabermetric numbers, and most of all, to never bunt, oog oog oog!"

Macha's departure left a broken relationship between the A's dugout and their front office, but Geren isn't fazed.

"Oog oog, me know team not like Ken Macha, but I promise that I will work with the front office, not against them, and I make sure to start Bobby Kielty against left-handed pitchers in the playoffs instead of Mark Kotsay so team not lose. Me also love Marco Scutaro and Mark Ellis and understand that they are as valuable as bananas, which I also love, oog oog oog ahh ahh ahh!"

Vikram Dewan, president and CEO of Philadelphia Zoo:

In the animal kingdom, most competitions would be settled by the survival of the fittest. While we love the Phillies, Flyers and Sixers, we would lean toward the Eagles based on a combination of past performance, player prospects, and our passionate support of our Zoo Eagle who is also hungry for a championship ring. Then again, the Phanatic is an endearing, yet endangered species which makes him and the Phils a sentimental favorite here.

Also, watch your ass Phanatic, your shit is endangered!

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Kenyon Martin out for season; Nuggets coaches, players go about their business today reported that Kenyon Martin will undergo season-ending knee surgery, an announcement which has left the Denver coaching staff not scrambling or hindered in any way.

An unconcerned Coach George Karl reacted, "Yeah, ever since we signed Kenyon in '04, we've been practicing and planning for every game as though he's going to be hurt. So if he shows up we're like, cool, icing on the cake. Now that we know he's done for the year, it's actually kind of nice, it's one less thing to worry about."

For the past year, on the rare instances when Martin has been healthy, Karl has had second-string forward Eduardo Najera run every drill in practice right along Martin's side, with Karl giving instruction only to Najera then finishing every practice by saying "Martin, if you're healthy, just do what I told him." The Nuggets even had the names of Carmelo Anthony and Najera engraved onto their lineup card as the starting forwards, but Karl indicated that there was more than enough space in the margin to write in Martin's name and an arrow, if need be.

The Nuggets' cautious relationship with Martin dates back to his initial contract signing with Denver, when the team fitted him for custom $80,000 knee braces with the initials "KM" on them, in addition to taking out a $1 billion life insurance policy on Martin, a policy usually reserved for excessively wealthy CEOs and European royalty.

"Kenyon Martin Bobblehead Night" is scheduled for December 18, but stadium officials admit that they just made that up, they knew he wouldn't be playing.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Flyers offering 40-year season ticket packages?

(Fans only!)

Needless to say, I did a double take when I came across the homepage for, a page which was unfortunately replaced on Monday (apparently, their intern's got a sharp eye.) Turns out, this tab was in reference to a ticket package commemorating the Flyers' 40th anniversary, and was not, in fact, a 40-year ticket subscription.

Still, for a brief moment, I was reveling in the website's audacity; it's one thing to sell tickets for this embarrassing incarnation of a once-great (-until-choking-in-playoffs) franchise, but with the "Fan Pack," they almost seem to be belligerently challenging their patrons, saying "Do you really want to buy Individual Tickets, like some fairweather pussy, or do you want to prove you're a fan and hop on board for the next FORTY YEARS?"

On the plus side, within the next forty years, Derian Hatcher's current contract will expire, as will his subsequent 5-year extension, plus Simon Gagne may figure out how to score a goal in the second half of one of those next 40 seasons, but, best of all, the Flyers have to get to the Cup Finals at least four or five times in that span, likely even getting to seven games in one of them before losing.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

MLB HOT STOVE REPORT - Tuesday, November 14

Red Sox bid $42 million to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Matsuzaka - Bud Selig reiterates, "Look, if baseball was economically unfair, then how do you explain the A's and Twins having success ever?"

Cubs lock up Ramirez for 5 years, $75 million - Cubs GM Hendry said, "Hopefully, this will divert some of the fans' frustration over that Mark Prior contract."

Orioles acquire Jared Wright from Yankees - Manager Sam Pelozzo says he looks forward to seeing what pedestrian numbers Wright can bring to the Orioles' upcoming pedestrian season.

Cubs resign Kerry Wood to incentive-laden deal worth up to $6 million - Wood was reportedly suspicious over the contract, which was photocopied and had numerous instances of the name "Ricky Williams" crossed out.

Monday, November 13, 2006

NFL Week 10 Recap (in Headline form)

Mangenius outcoaches Manstupid, Jets Beat Pats

Eagles Skin Skins, Washington Gibbs Up

Jaguars Jax'd Up by Texans

The Snake Charms (Sort Of), Broncos beat Junior College Raiders

Cards lose again, Dennis still a menace to Arizona's ability to win football games

Pittsburgh steels win from Saints, Parker puts it in drive

Giants Eli Down, Mauled By Bears

Rams keep hitting snooze button, becoming nearly impossible to still call them a sleeper, lose by FG to Sehawks
(that one would require a fold out page)

Falcons lose to Browns in Vick of Time

Chargers win old-fashioned shoot out, Bengals old-fashionedly suck on D

Niners win second straight, overcome shadow of Montana era

Vince still Young, Titans Lose to Ravens

Miami Rhapsody, defeat Huard and Chiefs

Pack is Back, Vikings Stiking'd, Favre having fun!

Friday, November 10, 2006

BREAKING NEWS: Gary Sheffield traded to Tigers for Wrens Bassist Kevin Whelan

According to, the Yankees have shipped Sheffield to Detroit for pitching prospects Humberto Sanchez, Kevin Whelan and Anthony Claggett.

All familiar with the work of Wrens singer / bassist Kevin Whelan can attest that this is an absolute steal for the Yankees. To fill the void, the Tigers will try their luck on the free agent market, which includes bassist Jesse F. Keeler from Death From Above 1979 and vocalist Corin Tucker of Sleater-Kinney, though reports of the Tigers attempting to coax Jeff Mangum out of retirement appear to be false.
Stern introduces "New Ball Dress Code"

NBA Commissioner David Stern today issued an updated off-court dress code for players, requiring individuals to wear business casual attire with no fewer than twenty new NBA balls affixed onto them. Stern claims that the new NBA balls, which can be sewn onto garments or worn as jewelry (within reason), have a greater grippable surface area than the old ball and are more resistant to moisture.

Nonetheless, players around the league have openly voiced their discontent with the latest of Stern's numerous policies.

"Umm, I'm not really sure what to say at this point," quipped a bewildered Lebron James, trying on his league-approved attire before a team practice. "I don't think I have any energy left to get mad at this. I guess I'll wear the balls."

"It's retarded," said an unusually vocal Tim Duncan while being fitted for a pair of basketball-covered slacks. "I'd say they were treating us like babies, but I'm not sure why you'd ever do this to babies. We'll do what the league wants us to do, but we won't be happy about it."

Stern added that if any players violate the new zero-tolerance policy against arguing with the officials after a foul call, the minimum number of balls will be increased to forty.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Headlines for Wednesday, November 8th

Heath Shuler elected to House of Representatives - In a tight N.C. race, Shuler edged out incumbent Danny Wuerffel as well as Independents Ryan Leaf and Akili Smith.

Hornets top Warriors 97-93, off to franchise-best 4-0 start - In a related story, the Starter Jacket Company has pulled out of bankruptcy.

Chiefs name Damon Huard starting QB - Herman Edwards explained his choice, saying "We're just not sure if Trent Green's healthy enough to throw really long interceptions."

Rangers name A's 3rd base coach Ron Washington manager - Owner Jon Daniels said, "This guy's a real winner, which hopefully carries over to pitching because he's going to be our #2 starter too."

MLB All-Stars sweep 5-game series vs. Japan - The series set a record low on Japanese television, since neither the Yankees nor Red Sox were playing.

Monday, November 06, 2006




Buy your tickets for Miami, the Eagles have punched their tickets to Super Bowl XLI. The Eagles sent a very clear message to the rest of the NFC: Their time is now. The 2006 don't need no fancy free agents. Please don't suggest that Stallworth counts. Donte Stallworth has about much chance of working on Sunday as your 14 year old version of Mario 3, and a much higher chance of getting injured trying to get your Nintendo to function. I have two words that will put fear in the heart of any opponent: Trent Cole.

Thats right, the Eagles made a huge signing today by extending second year defensive end Trent Cole's contract through 2013. Cole started off like gangbusters this year recording five sacks in the first few games. Cole has cooled off considerably since those Glory Days when they were playing the 49ers and the Packers. The Eagles also opted to completely disregard the fact that he kicked Kareem McKenzie in the nuts and took a costly penalty that contributed to the Eagles' notorious fourth quarter meltdown against the Giants earlier this season. The Eagles anticipated an insane bidding war, we're talking IPO of Google here. Rumor has it that the Patriots were thinking of packaging Belichick's brain, Brady's heart, Bruschi's moxie and every first round pick until the Knicks make the playoffs for Cole. They simply couldn't wait.

The Cole extension comes on the heels of their decision to extend defensive tackle Mike Patterson through 2016, when we will drive flying cars and Sylvester Stallone's character in Demolition Man will be unfrozen.

This may strike some outside observers as confusing when you consider the fact that the Eagles' overall play and complete lack of discipline has been a complete cum blizzard (got tired of using shit show) over the past few weeks. Inopportune penalties, blown assignments, and just an all around high level of sucking are a few things they've been guilty of over the last 4 games, but Joe Banner and Andy Reid and the rest of the Eagles front office have found the formula to right a sinking ship: Reward ineptitude!

When a team is falling apart, arbitrarily begin to award incredibly long contract extensions to young players. The veterans, who already appear dysfunctional and defeated, will be inspired!

The Eagles have announced their intention to lock up converted outside linebacker Chris Gocong through when the Earth turns into Water World. Gocong has yet to see a snap in the regular season but this did not deter the Eagles. They also agreed in principle to sign Samuel Dalembert and double what the Sixers are currently paying because he's "young, long, and has a huge upside."

The remaining cap room will pay for Andy Reid's horrible beef straganoff addiction. For serious, dude eats it like it's baby carrots.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Johnson guarantees possible victory

In trademark Ocho-Cinco fashion, Chad Johnson boldly stepped forward this week and proclaimed, "I guarantee that we will probably beat the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday. They got absolutely not much of a chance against us."

The media has taken notice of Johnson's nearly brash statements, though Johnson is shrugging off allegations that he has scaled back his guarantees after the Bengals' loss to Atlanta last week.

"Ain't no loss gonna make me stop talking," Johnson reiterated. "The Ravens can put whoever the hell they want on me, there's still a really good chance I'm gonna score. I might even score twice, if the circumstances work out and we catch some breaks. But I'm at least guaranteeing that one touchdown is likely, and I'm gonna try for two. And you can quote me on that."

Johnson continued, "Who's gonna cover me? Chris McAllister? He ain't got no chance of keeping me from touching the ball like four or five times for probably 70, 80 yards or so. But if he falls down or they blow the coverage when I'm goin' deep, I guarantee that there's a really good chance that they ain't got no chance of stoppin' me."

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Headlines for Thursday, November 2nd

Pens' Malkin becomes first to score in first 6 NHL games since 1918 - Malkin can now be mentioned in the same breath as "Unforgettable" Joe Malone, "Hilarious Olde Timey Guy" Newsy Lalonde, and "Unforgettable Hilarious Olde Timey Guy" Cy Denneny.

Mets reliever Guillermo Mota suspended 50 games for steroid use - Suspicions confirmed after Mota's 4.53 ERA, 48 homer, 135 RBI season.

Michigan State to fire football coach John L. Smith - Said athletic director Ron Mason, "We want a new direction for the program. And to stop really, really, really sucking every year."

Lakers win without Kobe, improve to 2-0 - Coach Phil Jackson explains, "I guess Chris Mihm scored some points or something."

China to possibly host MLB games in '07 - Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "We figure, finding an audience won't be difficult, since every building in that country has at least 70,000 people in it at any given time already."

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Transcript from Pat Riley's press Conference following the Heat's 108-66 loss to the Bulls last night:

PR: Thank you all for coming. So, that game. Yeahhhhh... did not.... play..... so great. It was, you know, kind of.... like... well, it was like you were expecting.... no... what was I trying to say? Um... yeah, it was not.... very.... you know? Not at all. Not one bit. Not one itty widdle bit. At all. No sir. No sirreee Bob. Noey nope nope.

Q: Do you feel that perhaps your team was a bit complaiscent, still coming off the high of last year's Finals?

PR: Um.... you might.... you know, it's kind of like.... Wow. Wow that game was not.... what we wanted.... or expected... or wanted... by any means... or.... wanted.... or.... the thing, what was I saying? Yeah, not such a great game.

Q: Do you believe that with this decisive victory on the road against the defending champs, the Bulls have established themselves as the team to beat in the East this year?

PR: Hoo-eee, that was some loss. I mean, my god. Wow. Wowzers. Wowzamadooo. Wowie Wowerson. What a.... just.... just terrible thing.... the thing that we... I mean, what happened? How did we.... what... what were we.... I mean, like, you know? What??? It was... just... it was the.... I mean, really? By forty points? At home?? That just never.... you never want to.... you, you think that... what I'm saying is, you absolutely cannot.... do.... the thing... with the stuff... that we sort of did.... on the thing.... and the stuff too.... we did... also. I don't know. I don't--

[Riley sheepishly walks away from podium, muttering to himself]