Tuesday, October 31, 2006


O-LINE (The 'O' stands for Ominous!)

LG - SCARY Allen (SF)
C - Jeff STAKE THROUGH THE Hartings (Pit)
RG - Shawn OF THE DEAD Andrews (Phi)
RT - JOHN Wayne Gandy (Atl)


RB - Frank BLOOD N' Gore (SF)
RB - Joseph A-DIE (Ind)
WR - TERROR Owens (Dal)
WR - Rae Carruth
TE - KILLIN' Winslow (Cle)

DEFENSE (Death plays a Four-Spree!)

DE - GHOUL-ius Peppers
DT - Sam Adams FAMILY (Cin)
DT - Warren FAT GHOST Sapp (Oak)

DE - Jevon CURSED (Phi)
LB - Keith BOO-lluck (Ten)
LB - Lofa DEATH BREAD Tatupu (Sea)
CB - DeAngelo HELL (Atl)
S - John LYNCH (Den)
S - Dexter Jack-O'LANTERN-son (Cin)


K - Robbie GHOUL (Chi)
P - Shane Lech-NESS MONSTER-ler (Oak)
Returner - Dave MAGGOT (n/a)


Coach: Tom Cough-LAND OF THE DEAD (NYG)
Owner: Zygi WERE-Wilf (Min)

Monday, October 30, 2006

MLB to re-examine"World Series" evaluation method

Serious questions are being raised as to the accuracy of Major League Baseball's "World Series," a system intended to determine the country's best baseball team, after the barely above-average St. Louis Cardinals received the distinction of "champions" last Friday.

"It's time to update this system," said Casey Benson, chairman of the newly formed "Better Baseball Committee," a task force set up by the MLB to determine alternative methods of team evaluation. "Here you have the Cardinals winning 83 games in a joke division and two weeks later, they're having a championship parade? This system isn't just inaccurate, it's immoral."

The concept of a computerized poll in the model of College Football's BCS has been viewed by some as the ideal alternative.

Statistician Nicholas Conte explains, "The World Series is an archaic relic in desperate need of a 21st century makeover. A comprehensive computerized poll would be able to take into account, say, the fact that Jeff Weaver and Jeff Suppan are severely below average baseball players, whereas the World Series bases everything on a couple of their fluky pitching performances and some bloop singles by David Eckstein. I mean, how much sense does that make?"

Still, Benson says, don't expect baseball to ditch the World Series anytime soon.

"Baseball has too much invested in the World Series both financially and in terms of tradition to admit that the current system simply doesn't work anymore. It's a shame, though, cause now the country will be left without a true national champion, forever wondering what could have been."

Tuesday, October 24, 2006



In an effort to familarize you with the ESPN anchors you watch on a loop all day, we here at TDS have created a new feature called Out of Bounds, where you'll get to know the anchors beyond their on screen personas. This week, let us introduce you to the real Rachel Nichols.

Rachel went to Northwestern University. Nichols is married to music executive Max Nichols and is the daughter-in-law of film director Mike Nichols, and stepdaughter-in-law of television journalist Diane Sawyer. For all you negative nellies out there who swear that she used some sort of connection to get on ESPN, let me reiterate that she went to Northwestern. She's also a robot.

This is why Rachel doesn't possess human emotions.

She used to go by the name Tiffany Brissette. You may be familiar with her earlier work:

Rachel grew up and went to Hot Topic and got some magenta hair dye. She is now starring in ground breaking pieces such as this:

She's also a budding comedian

Rachel will be appearing Friday's in November at the Giggleplex in Boise, Idaho.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Flyers finally get around to firing Clarke, going to Home Depot

The Philadelphia Flyers finally had a productive weekend this past week, managing to accomplish not only a long-overdue forced-resignation of GM Bobby Clarke, but also finally making the trip to Home Depot that they had been inexplicably putting off for months.

"It's really nice to finally knock out some of these errands," said Flyers ownder Ed Snider. "The light fixture in my den has been cracked for like two months, and Bobby Clarke has been a proprietor of an endless, magician's handkerchief of playoff chokes. I was going to get up early and try to get it all done a couple weeks ago, but I guess I got busy? That's not really an excuse, I'm probably just lazy."

Asked if the Flyers' 1-6-1 start prompted Clarke's firing, Snider replied "Eh, kind of. I considered firing him after he signed Derian Hatcher to a 4-year deal after they made rule changes to emphasize speed and crack down on obstruction, but I just stayed in and watched a movie that weekend, I was really tired. This year, that light thingie broke, and I needed some tape and stuff from Home Depot, and I just sort of got tired of lying around."

He added, laughing, "Now, if I can only make it out to the gym!"
Headlines for Monday, October 23rd

Kenny Rogers wins game 2 amidst cheating speculation - Accusations of pitching with a foreign susbtance prompted Rogers to comment, "Relax, it's not like I'm walking in the winning run in the World Series against the Yankees in 2000."

Shawne Merriman suspended four games for steroid use - Fortunately, due to Marty Schottenheimer's influence, Merriman injected them way too conservatively

Colts knock off Redskins, 36-22 - At 6-0, the Colts have people thinking "undefeated season for the Bears!"

46-year-old Morten Andersen kicks winning field goal in overtime - After splitting the uprights with the 32-yard kick, Andersen reportedly yelled "suck it, Julio Franco!"

UNC fires head football coach John Bunting - Steve Stoute, an intern with the basketball program, named new head coach

Friday, October 20, 2006

ESPN's WHO WILL WIN THE WORLD SERIES Poll went up today, and apart from the country's overwhelming sentiment that the Tigers are going to win, I found question 8 pretty intriguing:

8) Which veteran would you rather see win a title?
- Jim Edmonds
- Ivan Rodriguez

Apparently Sportsnation, like most of the general population, has completely blocked the 2003 World Series out of their collective consciousness. Yep, that's Pudge Rodriguez in the front center.

Maybe the question is asking if we want to see him win with a non-imaginary, teal-wearing, expansion-forever ballclub? Maybe?

Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Headlines for Tuesday, October 17

Dennis Green blows up after Cardinals' collapse - ESPN PAs hurredly ready Bobby Knight footage for inevitable "Memorable Coach Blowups" feature

Coker retains job after Miami brawl - However, in the confusing fallout from the incident, the Oakland A's accidentally fire their manager

Fassel Fired as Ravens Offensive Coordinator - Ravens' offensive playbook revealed to be a scrapbook of newspaper coupons and Dilbert cartoons

Packers WR Robinson suspended one year for substance abuse - Packers coach Mike McCarthy chuckles, "uh-oh, we might miss the playoffs now!"

Mets and Cardinals meet in NLCS Game Four tonight - With the team still playing, some Cardinals players are reportedly upset over having to cancel their vacation plans

Monday, October 16, 2006


The world's favorite NFL referee and American badass Ed Hochuli has confirmed what many of us have speculated for years.

In a press release, Hochuli stated:

"I'd like to put an end to all the rumors and speculations. With the support of my loving family, I've come to terms with the truth. I am, and always have been, first and foremost, an Ent. Yes, one of those tree dudes from Lord of the Rings."

Possessing an unnaturally large physique for a referee, Hochuli was the subject of a great deal of steroid allegations. The rumors turned ugly when Hochuli accidentally decapitated Line Judge Bill Crawford while he was signalling a first down. Overcome with grief, Hochuli decided he needed to be honest:

"My body is made of petrified red wood. That's why I have these enormous, somewhat comical biceps."

Hochuli was All Middle Earth at Fangorn Forest U, where he played Outside Leafbacker
A's fire asshole manager Macha

The Oakland Athetics today fired Ken Macha, the embarrassing excuse for a human being who has served as the team's manager since 2002. The A's players have reacted in an overjoyed fashion, and their sentiments towards Macha have been universally scathing.

"There are great baseball people, and then there are just great people," said third baseman Eric Chavez. "Ken is neither. He's pretty much a complete dick every time he opens his mouth or does anything. My only regret about his firing is that I never had a chance to beat the shit out of him in front of his asshole children."

On Macha's reprehensible managerial style, pitcher Rich Harden explained, "Every time I'd throw a pitch, I'd hear him yell from the dugout, 'your wife tells me you're not so 'Hard'en!' I once told him it wasn't helpful to yell that eighty times a game, and he said 'sorry, do you need to go back on the DL with sand in your vagina?' I mean, who says that?"

Veteran Frank Thomas added, "I'd hit a home run and he'd be like, 'wow, I'd almost think it was 1994 if you weren't so f-ing fat!' Usually he'd toss the N-word in there too, at the beginning and the end of every sentence he ever said to me. Or to any other player, regardless of their race."

When asked for comment, Macha faxed in a picture of a giant middle finger.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Reactions to the Cory Lidle incident:

Yankees pitcher Carl Pavano: "I never really got to know Cory. Or any of my Yankees teammates, for that matter. Hey, did the playoffs start yet?"

Former Phillies teammate Aaron Rowand: "Philly fans love players who aren't afraid to run into walls. Needless to say, Cory will go down as the most loved figure in the history of Philadelphia. Yes, including Ben Franklin."

Texas Rangers GM Jon Daniels: "I guess we'll have to give a ridiculous 4-year, $32 million dollar contract to John Thomson instead."

Blue Jays pitcher Ted Lilly: "I was shocked when I heard the news, because I always confuse him with me. But I checked myself out on Wikipedia, it's all good."

Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez: "Yes! I won't be in the Post today! Wait, this quote won't be, will it?"

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Comeback Player of the Year Award is Stupid

Sure, Nomar Garciaparra and Jim Thome won the NL and AL Awards for Comeback Player of the Year, but the award itself should win the award for Stupidest Damn Award Ever, am I right, folks? Two guys who get hurt a lot made it through a year without getting hurt, how does that merit any recognition? Comeback Player of the year is the most worthless honor anyone can win in Major League Baseball today, and probably in all of sports. Besides the National League Pennant (ROFLL!!!!)

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Zito relishes opportunity to inflate his next contract
The Associated Press

In the lively, carefree Oakland A's clubhouse, no player is reveling in the team's playoff run quite like free-agent-to-be Barry Zito.

"Oh wow, I might hit the jackpot," a giddy Zito announced, lighting a cigar with a $100 bill. "I only play this game for one reason, and that's to win. And the people who win get paid a whole lot, which is awesome. Remember Paul Konerko and Jason Varitek? Varitek hit 18 homers and the Red Sox threw him 10 million bucks. My start against Minnesota probably got me overpaid another $2 million, and I can't wait to see what'll happen next."

When asked about the significance of pitching Game One of the ALCS tonight, Zito explained, "It's like I have a scratch-and-win lottery ticket and '$15 Million' has appeared twice already. If I can go seven innings tonight and give up two runs, cha-ching, this ticket's a winner."

On Saturday, upon hearing that the Yankees and their struggling pitching staff had been eliminated from the Division Series, Zito's eyes reportedly turned into dollar signs as he bounced around the room emitting cash register noises. An even more peculiar incident occurred at a FOX LCS kickoff press conference on Monday when Mets GM Omar Minaya walked by Zito and Zito apparently attempted to imitate a cartoonish "aaaooogaahhh!" sound and his tongue unravelled onto the floor like a red carpet.

Still, Zito insists he's just trying to live in the moment and enjoy the national spotlight. "I feel like a kid in a candy store," he said. "The Yankees own the store, and instead of candy it's money, and they give it to you."

Monday, October 09, 2006

Troubled New Orleans takes Saints back
City claims, "I swear they're different this time"

The city of New Orleans, still reeling in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, has decided to allow back into their life the Saints, the professional football team with whom the city has had an on-again off-again relationship for the past four decades.

"It's just really, really comforting to have the Saints back," a wet-eyed New Orleans said. "It was really hard going through last year by myself, a lot of people don't understand, but the Saints and I have this really deep connection, I really want to be with this team, and things are going really good."

The city's friends, however, cannot believe that New Orleans is so willing to forget how badly they have been mistreated by the Saints in the past.

"Oh yeah, it's ridiculous," said longtime friend Baton Rouge, an LSU football stronghold. "That asshole team's won one playoff game in their history, and here's New Orleans crying, all happy to have their precious Saints back. Wow, they're 4-1, I'm sure everything's gonna be perfect now. Some cities, just...you know? Have some self-confidence."

Indeed, the Saints have had just two winning seasons in the last thirteen years, but the relationship has turned particularly abusive at times, most notably in 1999 when the Saints traded seven draft picks to move up two spots to select Ricky Williams, a player they then traded three years later. Friends of New Orleans also grew concerned when the Saints threw a full beer can at the city during an argument in 2003.

None of this has wavered the city's faith in the team.

"Saintsie is so much nicer now," the city said. "I know things haven't been perfect, but I really think the team has changed. There's a new coach, Reggie Bush is here, the team helps out around the house more, it's always asking if I need any help with anything... I just, I couldn't be happier right now."

Tuesday, October 03, 2006


So, you don't know anything about the sport of hockey and have no interest in learning? Well worry no longer - here's everything you need to know so that you can chime into your Canadian friends' conversations!

1. Ottawa Senators
2. New Jersey Devils
3. Carolina Hurricanes
4. Philadelphia Flyers
5. Tampa Bay Lightning
6. Buffalo Sabres
7. Toronto Maple Leafs
8. New York Islanders
[9. Montreal Canadiens, 10. Atlanta Thrashers, 11. Boston Bruins, 12. New York Rangers, 13. Florida Panthers, 14. Pittsburgh Penguins, 15. Washington Capitals]

The Ottawa Senators are still the East's most talented team, though with every playoff choke, they're looking more and more like the NHL's Indianapolis Colts; they're a lock to make the playoffs, but will new goaltender Martin Gerber's strained peaches get this team out of the first round? The Hurricanes had the rest of the league seeing red in the playoffs last year (or whatever that ugly-ass orangish color is), and with Eric "Staalin" Staal, Eric "Col-Pot" Cole, and Rod "Hitler'Amour" Brind'Amour returning, they're still the favorites in the Southeast Division (aka "The Hockey Capital of the World"). The New Jersey Devils and Toronto Maple Leafs should ride their new coaches into the playoffs, literally, but only one of those two cities will actually care (a trillion points if you can guess which one!) The Flyers are looking tough with an up-and-coming group of future playoff chokers, the Buffalo Sabres are legit contenders for the Stanley Cup and for the Worst Jerseys In History Cup (watch out, old Houston Rockets!), and as my sleeper pick, I have the Islanders sneaking in at the 8th spot, mostly because teams will be laughing too hard at every aspect about them to actually play them seriously.

Sidney Crosby and Alexander Ovechkin remain the most exciting players in the league, but until they're surrounded by actual adult NHLers and not bubble hockey statuettes, they won't be playing come August, or whenever the hell the NHL Playoffs start. Boston's Patrice Bergeron is a future star, but the Bruins' offseason moves were so cosmetic, they might as well have just slapped lipstick on a wounded bear. The New York Rangers' carriage should turn back into a pumpkin this year, Florida will struggle in goal after replacing Roberto Luongo with Ed Belfour (Luongo:Belfour :: Scarlett Johanssen:Jessica Tandy), and the Atlanta Thrashers can thrash all they want, but if they don't play defense, coach Bob Hartley will be the one who is in for a thrashingLOLOL!!

1. Detroit Red Wings
2. Anaheim Ducks
3. Calgary Flames
4. Nashville Predators
5. Colorado Avalanche
6. Los Angeles Kings
7. Minnesota Wild
8. Dallas Stars
[9. Vancouver Canucks, 10. San Jose Sharks, 11. Edmonton Oilers, 12. Phoenix Coyotes, 13. Columbus Blue Jackets, 14. Chicago Blackhawks, 15. St. Louis Blues]

The idiot analysists didn't think the Red Wings would be good last year, but some smart ones knew a little better; Dominick Hasek is old and hilarious, but as long as they're the Red Wings and not the Blue... Opposite of Wings... consider them contenders. Speaking of name changes, the Ducks are no longer Mighty, but they'll sure seem mighty with Scott Niedermayer and Chris Pronger each logging two hundred minutes of ice time a game (all Ducks games will be required to go into nine overtimes to make this happen). Keep your eyes on the Calgary Flames, Nashville Predators, and Minnesota Wild, all of whom possess the necessary combination of incisive coaching, disruptive speed, and zero national interest to make a serious Cup run.

If it weren't for the Islanders, the Blues' hiring of broadcaster John Davidson as their president would have been the funniest story of the summer; his immediate signings of Doug Weight and Bill Guerin to pair with Keith Tkachuk gives the Blues more useless old Americans than the movie "Space Cowboys." Phoenix also went retro, signing Jeremy Roenick and coaxing Owen Nolan out of estrangement in their quest to win the 1998 President's Trophy. Jonathan Cheechoo did score 56 goals, but he'll have to score 90 for me to take his name and the Sharks seriously, the Vancouver Canucks will need more than Roberto Luongo to give their mascot, Whaley the Curved Whale Breaking out of Ice to the Right, something to cheer about, and, not to be outdone, the Chicago Blackhawks shrewdly offered walking injury Martin Havlat $6 million a year, once again proving that the Chicago Blackhawks exist only through hearsay, they are not real human beings playing actual games.

The playoffs are always a complete crapshoot, and everyone seems high on the Ducks and the Senators, so I'm going with the Nashville Predators over the Devils in seven, and you can take that to the BANK and the bank will be like what's this and you'll be like I printed out this guy's NHL picks and took them to you and they'll laugh and be like cool, but then a couple months later you'll realize the picks were right and you'll be like I should have deposited it!!!

Ottawa should be tough too.