Stern introduces "New Ball Dress Code"

NBA Commissioner David Stern today issued an updated off-court dress code for players, requiring individuals to wear business casual attire with no fewer than twenty new NBA balls affixed onto them. Stern claims that the new NBA balls, which can be sewn onto garments or worn as jewelry (within reason), have a greater grippable surface area than the old ball and are more resistant to moisture.

Nonetheless, players around the league have openly voiced their discontent with the latest of Stern's numerous policies.

"Umm, I'm not really sure what to say at this point," quipped a bewildered Lebron James, trying on his league-approved attire before a team practice. "I don't think I have any energy left to get mad at this. I guess I'll wear the balls."

"It's retarded," said an unusually vocal Tim Duncan while being fitted for a pair of basketball-covered slacks. "I'd say they were treating us like babies, but I'm not sure why you'd ever do this to babies. We'll do what the league wants us to do, but we won't be happy about it."

Stern added that if any players violate the new zero-tolerance policy against arguing with the officials after a foul call, the minimum number of balls will be increased to forty.