Nick Saban: Hello?
University of Alabama: Hey Nick!
Saban: Um, Alabama? Are you ok?
Alabama: Whatcha doin?
Saban: I'm home and about to go to sleep, I really can't talk, but nice to-
Alabama: So I've been thinking about things.
Saban: Yeah, I really don't have time for the drunk talk, please don't embarrass yourself.
Alabama: I'm fine, really, I stopped drinking at like 11 and I wasn't even that drunk. I was just calling to say hi, sorry you're in such a grouchy mood.
Saban: I'm not in a bad mood, it's just late, and I need to go to sleep.
Alabama: I'm wide awake - my roommate's away for the weekend, too, so it's really weird and quiet. You should come over and keep me company, haha!
Saban: Are you serious?
Alabama: Well, no. Yeah. I don't know, haha. You don't want to?
Saban: It's not... You know I can't, Alabama, please stop being all whiny and making me feel bad.
Alabama: I'm not! I just really want you to come over, it's really lonely and scary here, you can stay for ten years if you want and we can get 40 million dollars of Chinese food and I promise I'll behave!
Saban: Don't want to talk about this right now...
Alabama: You'll be completely in charge, I'll let you put recruiters anywhere you want!
Saban: That's filthy, stop talking like that.
Alabama: I can call someone else to come over too, I know Jimbo Fisher has a thing for you, I can offer him a couple million-
Saban: Stop. Just, stop. Alabama, I know you're lonely and I understand you're upset about Rich Rodriguez, but, I mean, you know I'm coaching the Dolphins now, and things are going really well, I think we're about to tap into Joey Harrington's upside, you can't keep calling me like this.
Alabama: Every other major program manages to find some marquee coach but when I pour my heart out and offer all this time and money and control I just get treated like shit and it's not fair!
Saban: It's really embarrassing when you cry like this.
Alabama: Why are you mad at me?
Saban: I'm not mad, I'm just... You're better than this! Look. I'm gonna hang up. Drink some water, get some sleep, and tomorrow, when you're feeling better and the Orange Bowl is over, you're going to call Bobby Petrino from Louisville and he'll help you out. I'm going to forget this conversation happened, even though I know the Dolphins aren't going to be happy that we're talking, but whatever, they can deal with it. You get some sleep ok? Ok, Alabama? [CLICK, DIAL TONE] Hello? Did you hang up on me? Jeeesus Christ.