Steelers down to final three candidates in search of coach for Pittsburgh dads to complain about
Looking to uphold Bill Cowher's legacy as the most complained-about-by-dads coach in Pittsburgh history, the Rooney family has presented the following questionnaire to the Steelers' final three coaching choices - Russ Grimm, Mike Tomlin, and Ron Rivera - in the hopes of determining the one with the highest potential for dad complaints.
1. Are you Chuck Noll? Circle One: ( / NO)
2. When will the Steelers win the AFC North again?
-A- Within the next three seasons, so we can say you just inherited good players.
-B- Not within the next three seasons, meaning you'll be fired and demonized.
3. How would you describe your general offensive philosophy?
-A- Aggressive: Always going for it on fourth and short and never kicking field goals in the red zone.
-B- Too Conservative: Punting for field position, running when you have a lead, and NEVER WINNING A SUPERBOWL (except for when you win the Superbowl)
-C- Balanced: No such thing, same as B.
4. One of your players takes a late cheap-shot at the opposing quarterback. What do you do?
-A- Discuss the matter with the player privately and defer questions from the media, meaning you've lost control of the team.
-B- Assure the media "It will never happen again," even though you know it will because you've lost control of the team.
-C- Tell Jack Lambert "nice play"
5. How visibly emotional emotional can you get?
-A- Extremely emotional (if you choose this one, your being emotional crap has already gotten old)
-B- Never emotional, meaning you don't care and/or you've lost control of the team.
6. Of the following players, whom would you choose as your starting quarterback?
-A- Bubby Brister
-B- Neil O'Donnell
-C- Kordell Stewart
-D- Tommy Maddox
-E- Whichever one you're not starting
7. Which of these following hypothetical situations can be blamed on the head coach?
-A- Your quarterback throwing four incomplete passes inside the 10 yard line on the final possession to lose the AFC Championship to a greatly inferior Chargers team.
-B- Your quarterback throwing two interceptions to lose the Superbowl by 10 points to the winnegest franchise of the 1990s.
-C- Your quarterback throwing three interceptions to lose at home to the Superbowl-bound Denver Broncos.
-D- Your quarterback throwing two interceptions in the final three minutes and your special teams allowing two touchdowns to lose to the Superbowl-bound New England Patriots.
-E- Handing the ball off to Jerome Bettis in an attempt to seal a playoff victory on the road against the Colts and having Bettis fumble. You won the game, but still, I mean, come on.
-F- All of the above.
8. Who is your coaching mentor?
-A- Bill Parcells. You wish.
-B- Marty Schottenheimer. Not sure exactly how he taught you to choke like that in the playoffs every year, but he obviously got the message across.
-C- Don't try to pretend you weren't Schottenheimer's disciple in Cleveland. We're not stupid.
9. What do you believe is the most important position to address in the draft?
-A- Offensive Line. A lineman, again? How bout we draft a damn receiver?
-B- Wide Receiver. You really want to waste some picks on guys like Troy Edwards and Plaxico Burress? Give me a break.
-C- Cornerback. Why bother, you know whoever's back there is gonna suck.
-D- Linebacker. What?? We already have good linebackers. How bout a damn tackle, our O-line sucks.
10. Finally, how would you best describe yourself?
-A- As a hard-nosed, no-nonsense, blue-collar, cut-and-dry, hard-collar, matter-of-fact, down-to-earth, guy who literally wears a blue collar that is really hard and whose nose is also really hard and possibly with a second blue collar underneath the first if it's cold.
-B- If you even glanced beyond A, get the fuck out of our city.
(Originally Posted 1/16/07)