Cowboys Wade into coaching pool - The Dallas Cowboys have named Wade Phillips their next head coach; owner Jerry Jones explained the hiring, saying "With Dick Jauron unavailable, Wade Phillips is the best guy to have us finish exactly 8-8 next year, which we're hoping will be good for an NFC playoff spot."
USC-ya in the BCS game! - USC landed the top three players in this year's college recruitment class, vaulting their preseason ranking to an unprecedented "negative one."
Red, Red (pitching) Wine - The Cincinnati Reds signed starter Bronson Arroyo to a two-year, $25 million contract just two days after agreeing to a four-year, $36.5 million deal with righty Aaron Harang. In a related story, Aaron Harang is now on the trading block.
Sour sixteen - The Boston Celtics lost their 16th straight game last night, a new franchise record. Coach Doc Rivers wasn't fazed, saying "This is the NBA - All that matters is how you play in the playoffs."
Italian soccer fans get the boot - In a bizarre story, with only six Italian soccer stadiums meeting security requirements, games in all other stadiums will be required to be played with no spectators. MLS Commissioner Don Garber adressed the outraged Italians, saying "We play all of our games in empty stadiums, it's not so bad once you get used to it."