FBI institutes "Mariners Protection Program"

Spring Training '07 Preview: Seattle Mariners

The Federal Bureau of Investigation recently unveiled their new "Mariners Protection Program," an alternative to the Witness Protection Program that, rather than completely erasing the lives of endangered witnesses, simply places persons who testify onto the Seattle Mariners.

"We finally found a happy medium," said William Souther, the program's co-founder and director. "People don't have to give up their lives, but once they're sent to Seattle, national interest in them rapidly dissipates. It's also kind of exciting for them, they get to play on a professional baseball team."

Souther said the idea struck him after he realized that he hadn't seen nor heard anything about Adrian Beltre, runner-up for the 2004 National League MVP award, in more than two years.

"I couldn't believe how effectively they were hiding these guys," gushed Souther. "Beltre, Richie Sexson, Eddie Guardado, Carl Everett, Jarrod Washburn, Mike Hargrove - used to be sought after by other teams, then all the sudden, whoosh! Vanished into thin air. Apparently Jeff Weaver just headed out there too - good luck finding him and killing him now, Bill Stoneman!"

Souther added, "The best part of the program is, the witnesses don't have to hide from anything. Their games will be televised, they'll be covered in the papers - somehow, no one ever seems to notice or care. As long as the people they testify against aren't third generation Seattleans, they couldn't be less interested anytime they see that teal spikeyball of safety."

Mariners GM Bill Bavasi, when asked if he was concerned about having to deal with an upcoming influx of random citizens onto his baseball club, said he wasn't fazed.

"No biggie," Bavasi commented. "They can't be more useless than Jeremy Reed."