Headlines: Tuesday, March 20

Wells determined to eat diabetes

San Diego Padres pitcher David Wells was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes yesterday, but he today vowed to eat the disease, and that he would not allow it to affect his on-field performance.

"I've eaten worse things than diabetes," said Wells, chewing on a massive fried turkey leg in the Padres clubhouse. "People dare me to eat awful shit all the time - coins, rosin bags, Brian Giles' tanning solution, you name it. I once ate a stereo and belched 'Hells Bells' for Trevor Hoffman. I don't think eating this diabetes will be that much of a challenge."

Bengals lineman arrested for being punched by Joey Porter

Yet another Cincinnati Bengal is in legal trouble after offensive lineman Levi Jones was arrested for being punched by Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter at a casino blackjack table. The punch-receiving was just another of many criminal acts that has put more than six Bengals at odds with the law in the last eighteen months.

Last week, Bengals defensive end Justin Smith was arrested after his car was rear-ended by a drunk driver, though a Hamilton County judge recommended the minimum sentence of six months in prison for Smith because of his lack of prior convictions.

Reds move Griffey to right to prepare for injury

Cincinnati Reds manager Jerry Narron said that Ken Griffey Jr. will open the season in right field this year, putting him at a much easier position to replace once he gets injured.

"It's really tough to replace a center fielder," explained Narron. "Every year, he goes down and it leaves us with a big hole out there, so we figure if we start him in right, when he gets hurt, we can just throw Josh Hamilton over there or something. Wait, do we have Jeff Conine now? Whatever."