Dan's Infallible 2007 Baseball Preview
1. Red Sox - Schilling/Matsuzaka/Beckett/Wakefield may not be 100% reliable, but they're better than Injured Wang/Injured Pettite/Probably Injured By the Time You're Reading This Pavano/Youngie McWhothefuck.
2. Yankees (Wildcard) - Return of "True Yank" Pettitte should make up for the loss of Bernie Williams; offense will top 800 runs, but without pinstripers like Scotty Brosius and Jimmy Leyritz, none of them will count.
3. Blue Jays - Should again have no problem winning the AL East NIT
4. Orioles - Did Leo Mezzone make the Braves pitchers good, or did Bobby Cox just make Leo Mezzone good? Or how about, the good Braves pitchers were better than the shitty Oriole ones?
5. Devil Rays - Still at least two, three years away from being two, three years away again.
1. Tigers - Sheffield should give the Tigers' lineup some bite, and some roar, and some accidentally mauling the zookeeper.
2. Indians - Poised to make a pennant run, have the entire bullpen get injured, and say "we could have made a pennant run if the entire bullpen didn't get injured."
3. Twins - The virtual deaths of Liriano and Radke last year have the rest of the rotation worried in a "Final Destination" kind of way.
4. White Sox - Erstad acquisition brings toughness, hopefully better pitching to Sox.
5. Royals - I'm predicting a 9-13 record, 5.12 era, and an All-Star appearance for Gil Meche.
1. Angels - Hoping that Matthews Jr can flukily repeat some of the fluky fluke stats from his fluke yearfluke.
2. A's - Piazza replaces Thomas' clubhouse presence, but won't take up as much space.
3. Rangers - Can the hilarity of Sammy Sosa distract teams from pounding their flimsy pitching staff?
4. Mariners - Baseball's version of "Where Are They Now?" and also, "Why Are They Now Terrible?"
1. Braves - Mike Gonzalez and Rafael Soriano should set up lots of nice, fat save opportunities for Bob Wickman.
2. Phillies (Wildcard) - Team starts off slow, fans boo, Charlie Manuel gets fired, team goes on a tear, makes the playoffs for the first time since 1993, fans boo.
3. Mets - In need of a pitcher, they confused "Moises Alou" with "Felipe Alou," who also wasn't a pitcher.
4. Marlins - Their child laborers work a lot harder and cheaper than the rest of the league, but they're gonna have to weave a lot of baskets to compete in the East.
5. Nationals - Love Manny Acta, but this is easily the worst team in baseball. At least they'll always have the memory of that one glorious night with Alfonso Soriano.
1. Astros - Boring rotation, boring lineup, and solid, boring defense shouldzzzzzzzzzzz.........
2. Cubs - Can they "reverse the curse" of having lots of bad baseball players playing baseball badly year after year?
3. Cardinals - Like the division's older brothers, it's Pujols and Carpenter vs. All in the NL Central this year.
4. Brewers - Lots of talent, but if Sheets goes down again, they're going to be in deep Sheets. Oops, typo. I mean shit. They're going to be in tons and tons of shit. Shit, not Sheets. Shit. Sorry about that.
5. Pirates - Presence of a couple actual major-league baseball players may confound their franchise plans, but it shouldn't stand in the way of that fifteenth straight losing season.
6. Reds - Working on another three-everyday-players-for-two-injured-relievers deal to get them over the hump of being completely terrible again.
1. Dodgers - Absence of Drew means Kent is going to have to step up the general dislikeability factor.
2. Padres - Solid pitching staff, and not just because of Petco's 410-540-9,000 ft. dimensions.
3. Diamondbacks - Spunky, talented young group could emerge as last year's Marlins, only with people in the stands.
4. Giants - This is the single oldest team I have ever seen assembled in any professional sport. No snarky comments, it's just a literal truth.
5. Rockies - Helton may have lost his power, and trading Jason Jennings leaves a huge hole in the rotation, but something something Matt Holliday something something.
ALCS: A-Rod hits .960 with 8 homers and 19 RBI against the Tigers, but after Mariano Rivera walks the bases loaded in the 9th inning of game 7, a Derek Jeter error costs the Yanks the series and confounded Yankee fans take their own lives in a city-wide mass suicide.
NLCS: The Astros defeat the Braves in an exhilerating seven game series; with the Braves down 4-3 in the ninth, Andruw Jones hits a grand slam to give them a lead, but the Astros load the bases in the bottom of the inning and Craig Biggio hits an improbable, series-clinching walk-off home run. TV Ratings for the series are the lowest in history.
World Series: The Tigers defeat the Astros in five games, winning two games on throwing errors by pitchers Chad Qualls and Jason Jennings, and two others on boop singles by Craig Munroe, who is instantly labelled as a "gutty, gritty winner" and given a seven year, $60 million deal by the Angels while still on the field accepting the Series MVP trophy. People remember why they don't enjoy baseball.
AL East: NY Yankees - Lineup is stupid good, starting pitching is shaky. Please use Pavano as frequently as possible before he gets road head again.
AL Central: Detroit Tigers - Fiery Leyland coaches fiery baseball. The players will literally be so fired up they will literally combust and play while on fire.
AL West: Oakland A’s - Don’t buy the Angels and Colon’s fat skull. A’s are consistent and look like a bunch of dudes that surf a lot and listen to Jack Johnson and can play 3 songs on the guitar, including "Satellite" by the Dave Matthews Band.
NL East: NY Mets - Sick lineup, questionable pitching, still use that ghetto apple for home runs. Please bring back John Franco or sign someone older like Ricky Henderson. Actually don’t, because on the Mets, they will somehow be above average again.
NL Central: St. Louis Cardinals - Have one of the best players ever, and a bunch of boring white dudes who show that the fundamentals aren’t that fun to actually watch
NL West: LA Dodgers - Overreacted in the offseason and started acquiring a fantasy pitching rotation from two years ago. For hilarity’s sake, signed Mike Lieberthal.