MLB HOT STOVE REPORT - Friday, December 1

Top remaining free agents:

1. Barry Zito, P, 28 - Bidding for Zito is apparently down to the Rangers and the Mets, he just has to decide if he wants his ERA to go up 4 runs a game pitching in Arlington or just the industry standard 2 runs a game after a contract year.

2. Jason Schmidt, P, 33 - Teams unable to acquire a high-priced Asian pitcher may want to turn their efforts to signing Schmidt, who at least has really slanty eyes.

3. J.D. Drew, OF, 31 - He's only had one 100-RBI season ever, but he's quick to remind teams, "Remember, though, I was injured constantly in every season I've ever played in."

4. Ted Lilly, P, 30 - His full name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly (really). He's a lock to be the best presidentially named pitcher since Grover Cleveland Alexander and Sandy Abraham Lincoln Koufax.

5. Andy Pettitte, P, 34 - You know what's weird? I've never seen him and Billy Zane in the same place at the same time. Actually, there's a lot of celebrities and major league pitchers that I haven't seen in the same place at the same time, so never mind, Pettitte and Zane probably are different human beings.

6. Gil Meche, P, 28 - His 4.65 career ERA is a bit of a turn off, but he did play on that Mariners team that won all those games in 2001, so maybe he has some cool stories or something.

7. Mike Piazza, C, 38 - Might move to the American League and finish his career as a DH, and no, the "H" doesn't stand for "homo," why did you even have to bring that up?

8. Ray Durham, 2B, 35 - A solid option for any fantasy baseball team whose second baseman gets injured; has already received offers from Nomar Mr. Nice Guy, CubzllStillsuck69, and Albert's Pooholes.

9. Mark Mulder, P, 29 - Until anyone can name any distinguishing feature about this human being, he'll probably have to settle for something in the $70 million for 5 years range.

10. Gary Matthews Jr, OF, 32 - A scrappy switch-hitting outfielder who plays solid defense; will probably fall in the $3.5 - $5 million range, making him an attractive option for any team willing to take the chance. Wait, what?