Thursday, January 18, 2007

Closing time at the free-agent bar

It's one of the saddest sights you'll ever see. Couple lonely teams still hangin' around the ol' bar, music's dying down, last call's done, everyone just trying to avoid sleeping alone, even if it means buying a drink for Bruce Chen or laying some game on Trot Nixon.

Most of the teams went home hours ago. Boston left with some hot young Asian, not really any surprise there. San Fran, LA, and Chicago left hours ago too, they were all pretty hammered. Anaheim ended up taking home Gary Matthews Jr after Texas kept saying how amazing he is in the sack and how he's hung like a whale and shit. Couldn't have been more sarcastic, but Anaheim didn't get it, they were pretty drunk.

I cannot believe Kansas City went home with Gil Meche, just ridiculous. Wined and dined him all night long, then made sure all of us saw them when they were walking out together. Like the rest of us even care, the guy's not even hot. And this after last year, when they were giddy to leave with Reggie Sanders, who's really nice and all, but I'm sure they didn't actually do anything.

All the guys kind of feel bad for Seattle, they've been in an abusive relationship with Adrian Beltre for two years now, but I say screw 'em, they knew what they were getting into with that creep. I thought for sure by now Beltre would be back crashing on LA's couch, but it sure seems like him and Seattle are stuck with each other. Guess they're religious or something.

Not everyone showed up tonight, either. Toronto doesn't hang out anymore now that they're soooo committed to their beloved Vernon Wells. Whatever, they're so damn jealous, they're just afraid that if Wells goes out he might dance with Philly or Chicago and god forbid actually have a good time. You gonna put a cage around center field or something? Grow a pair.

Speaking of missing, the New York boys used to be the kings of this place, they would buy everyone in the bar rounds of carbombs all night, but this year, one of them just left early and the other one never even showed up. Barry Zito kept asking me where they were.

Oakland usually sticks around late too, but they already left with Mike Piazza. Read into it if you want, but I'm sayin' nothing.

Oh man, earlier tonight, Washington cornered Miguel Batista and was talking his head off for like fifteen minutes and Batista looked so lost, he thought it was some Japanese team or something. Washington was cool about it, but still, really awkward.

Pittsburgh isn't talking to anyone, but who can blame them? Got real drunk last year and went home with Jeromy Burnitz and Joe Randa and ended up getting chlamydia from both of them, it combined into some super double disease strain or something. Apparently, Pitts only asked them for an hj, but Burnitz couldn't make solid contact. Damn shame.

Well, the bouncers are ushering everyone out onto the street now. Colorado's drunk as hell and all over Brian Lawrence, they kept telling him "come back to our place, we won't even run a physical," whatever that means. San Diego is still here, I think they were hoping for more of an older crowd. Texas has been cut off for a few hours now after they started talking to Sammy Sosa; real funny dudes, but sometimes they take the joke a little far. Erstad's drunk and resorting to hitting on Tampa Bay, but even they're not that desperate - I think they're calling him a cab, but he'll probably just hustle home. Looks like Atlanta and Minnesota left too, I don't even think they were drinking.

Yup, it's been a rough, rough night for some of these teams. Rougher than I've seen in a while. Ya know, Leonard Cohen once described closing time as "The women tear their blouses off and the men they dance on the polka dots," but I sure as hell never seen it. Motherfucker must've been a Yankee fan.

No comments: