Headlines for Thursday, Jan 4

Pour some sugar on them - LSU defeated Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl, 41-14, marking Notre Dame's ninth straight bowl game loss. Afterwards, Charlie Weis pleaded with voters to start Notre Dame ranked at negative eight next season so that when they inevitably drop ten spots, they'll still have the opportunity to get beaten in the BCS title game.

MVP Control To Major Tomlinson - LaDainian Tomlinson's 31-touchdown season earned him NFL MVP honors, taking 44 of the 50 first place votes; the other six votes came from writers sarcastically voting for the Colts' rush defense.

Tanks for the memories, police - Police raided the home of Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, seizing 550 rounds of ammunition as well as some other items. Police have never confirmed if Tank's nickname refers to his massive stature, his obvious affection for firearms, or from the dozens of drug-filled actual tanks he keeps in his garage.

On the Lemieux-ve? - Mario Lemieux and Penguins owners met with Kansas City officials about a potential Penguins relocation, though the meeting quickly devolved into a "yo momma's so fat" rap-off about the cities' respective baseball franchises.

Handy Gone-son? - The Yankees are talking to several teams about a potential Randy Johnson trade, hopefully for Scott Brosius or Jimmy Leyritz or Paul O'Neil or someone who can play some fuckin' baseball, am I right??