Provisions in the Penguins' arena deal

Needless to say, I was happy as could be when the Penguins announced their arena deal, ensuring once and for all that they'll be staying in Pittsburgh permanently! ...Unlike myself, my brother, 2/3 of my high school classmates, Andy Warhol, and anyone aged 24-38 who would like a job and also like to be paid for that job!

The Penguins and local officials may have constantly praised one another yesterday for coming to such a fair agreement, but examining some of the finer points of the contract reveals that this was indeed a steal of a deal for the Penguins. Check out some of these provisions:

- Minors on the team will be allowed to purchase alcohol once they surpass 21 goals

- "Shoot it!" painted in large neon green letters across every piece of Plexiglas (spelled "Shaaaut it!" to reflect phoenetic Pittsburghese)

- Free bullhorns given out at Ranger games to amplify fans' illogical Jagr booing (The Pirates are implementing a similar promotion for when Aramis Ramirez comes to town)

- 15% senior discount for Mark Recchi and Gary Roberts applicable at Kennywood and the Pittsburgh Zoo

- Monogrammed pillows for the defensemen with phrase "Softest group Michel Therrien has ever seen" sewn on

- Automatic faceoff-winning machine (a robot shaped like Yanic Perrault which should help the Pens improve to about 45% on draws)

- The state will destroy all records of the Penguins' drafts between 1994 and 1999, instituting felonies for citizens who mention "Robert Dome," "Craig Hillier," or "Aleksey Morozov" in public

- Before attending English lessons, Evgeni Malkin will have a pitch adjuster installed into his larynx to raise his voice to an octave audible by the human ear

- The number 66 will be retired throughout the state, including on highway signs, on credit cards, and in math classes

- Should the Penguins go on to win the Stanley Cup, the headline will appear in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in a larger font than the story about Alan Faneca's potentially sore ankle