People of New Orleans awaiting next football season so they can resume being inspired

The Saints' brutal 39-14 defeat at the hands of the Bears Sunday left the players scratching their heads - and the people of New Orleans without a source of inspiration.

With no more Saints games until the preseason resumes in August, New Orleans citizens will now have to face several months without anyone to inspire them or distract them from the grueling aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

"Watching Drew Brees throw for 350 yards each week was really what kept me going during this rough time," said Geoff Greene, a high school teacher from the Garden District. "Without the Saints winning improbably, how am I going to be inspired? No one in my family's handicapped or anything. One kid at my school is, but it's not inspiring, it's actually a little sad."

Other fans are depressed at the thought of returning to a reality without a Saints season to occupy them.

"It was such a great distraction from everything," said Ana Walzer, a Carrolton resident. "We'd cheer at the screen, 'go Deuce, go Reggie!' and then be like, 'wait, what happened last year? Never mind, I remember now. But for a second there I forgot.' It's gonna be tough to go without that for the next few months."

New Orleans City Councilman John Batt Jr. spoke of the ideological implications of the Saints' magical season.

"Having the Saints back playing in the Superdome was our way of announcing to the country, we're strong, we're together, and we're not going anywhere," he said. "Now how are we going to do it? Jazz or something? Cajun food? Yeah, maybe CBS will air a three hour event where people gather in the Superdome to eat crawfish. This sucks."

Headlines: Monday, April 23

Crosby reveals he played Ottawa series on a broken foot; entire Penguins defense quickly adds that all of their feet were broken too

Mavs starters take night off vs. Warriors, rest up for Spurs series

Iverson, Anthony selfishly score 61 points; Nuggets selfishly upset Spurs

Dolphins still trying to acquire Trent Green for their fantasy team

Gagne injures elbow while attending to injured knee

Also, this article is pretty funny.

LaRoche unable to handle pressure of playing in Pittsburgh

It was a disastrous debut week for Pirates first baseman Adam LaRoche, whose 3-for-25 performance in his first six games already has fans wondering if the former Atlanta Brave can handle the pressure of playing in Pittsburgh.

"Some guys start to feel it a bit when they put on that storied Pirates uniform," said teammate Jack Wilson, a longtime Pirate whose career .306 On Base Percentage can likely be attributed to his comparable intimidation. "You have to prove to the fans that you can hit .250, or maybe make a diving catch once before they really welcome you."

The Pirates' rabid fanbase has a reputation for being unwelcoming to new acquisitions, informally requiring players to prove themselves by winning somewhere in the neighborhood of 72 games before they can be deemed "True Buccos."

"You have to remember," said former Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon, "these are the same fans that booed Mike Williams out of town after just five seasons of being the team's closer. Al Martin played on the team for seven years without having a winning season, and the fans were right on the verge of booing him too. So it can be pretty brutal."

"There's a mystique surrounding PNC Park," admitted former Pirate Jeromy Burnitz, who hit .230 in his only season with the Pirates in 2006. "When you think of all the great players that have sat in that opposing dugout - Roger Clemens, Albert Pujols, Greg Maddux - I know I had trouble concentrating on playing well."

Despite the admissions of his teammates, LaRoche shrugged off the idea that he is intimidated by playing in Pittsburgh.

"Um, no? Intimidated by what?" said a straight-faced LaRoche. "What do you mean by 'the aura of PNC Park?' I'm pretty sure there's a 1979 World Champions banner in the outfield somewhere, I guess maybe that could be a little intimidating. Sorry, I have to go take batting practice."

Angels address offensive shortcomings, tell Guererro to swing harder

Spring Training 2007 Preview: Los Angeles Angels

The Angels failed to add a power bat this offseason to bolster their relatively mediocre offense, but Manager Mike Scioscia believes he has come up with the solution to the problem.

"We're going to tell Vladimir Guererro to swing a whole lot harder," Scioscia said.

Scioscia did not elaborate on this point, but, rather, leaned back in his chair and demonstratively dusted off his hands for about five minutes.

Angels General Manager Bill Stoneman, reportedly on the hot seat this season after failing to add a true middle-of-the-order presence to the Angels' lineup, immediately and wholeheartedly jumped on the idea of having Guererro swing at the ball even harder.

"Think about it," he said. "Vlad has hit 65 homers the past two years, twice what anyone else on the team has done. But - he's also hit 63 doubles in that span. If he swings a lot harder, you figure, probably 40 of those doubles go over the fence, he finishes the year with 60 some homers and viola! Offense is fixed."

Guererro seemed open to the idea of swinging harder, though refused to take credit for being the Angels' lone source of offense.

"I'll see what I can do," he said.

NCAA vows to intentionally botch seeding in '08 to create upsets

The NCAA selection committee has issued a formal apology to college basketball fans for seeding teams too accurately this year, which has resulted in a disastrous Final Four consisting solely of incredibly talented, exciting, well-coached basketball teams. To prevent similar debacles from occurring in future tournaments, the NCAA has officially decided to seed teams incorrectly from now on in the hopes of increasing the propensity for sportstalk-fueling upsets.

"All these good teams in the Final Four this year, I feel like we really dropped the ball," said Gary D. Walters, head of the NCAA Men's Basketball selection committee. "Fans don't want to see really outstanding teams playing basketball well and therefore earning spots in the finals against one another. Something had to be done to get some upsets going, and we feel like this new 'wrong seeding' plan might do the trick."

The new seeding plan carries the following mandates:

- The top team in the Big East can be seeded no higher than number four, and all other teams in the Big East will be seeded 11 or lower, allowing people to say "wow, the Big East really got screwed this year, I could easily see (Pitt/Marquette/Louisville etc.) knocking off a three seed."

- Three of the four number one seeds will be given to Big Ten teams, although in the event that a legitimate team emerges from the Big Ten, like this year's Ohio State, they will be dropped to an 8 seed and immediately labelled a "Cinderella."

- Any teams that most people haven't heard of (i.e., Memphis, Butler, Southern Ill.) will be seeded no higher than 13, regardless of their record.

- If no double-digit seeds make the Final Four, the lowest-seeded remaining team will instantly be changed to a 15 seed, and everyone will have root for them, including fans of the three other remaining teams.

- Finally, the entire PAC-10 will automatically make the tournament and be given seeds 2 through 6.

"I hope this new plan works," said Walters, "because I really don't want fans to be tortured like they have been this year. Florida / UCLA and Ohio State / Georgetown? Who's going to want to watch this crap? People keep telling me 'I miss George Mason, I miss...' then they try to think of another example like George Mason and can't but still, it makes me feel really guilty for putting them through these predictable-in-retrospect catastrophes."

"Next year," added Walters, "when someone at the water cooler says 'hey, how bout North Carolina? Ten seed making it to the Final Four, huh?' I'll know that I've done my job right."

Blue Jays lock up Wells, looking to deal Wells

Spring Training '07 Preview: Toronto Blue Jays

The Toronto Blue Jays signed center fielder and franchise face Vernon Wells to a 7-year, $126 million contract this offseason, but now are in a position where they have only two weeks to move Wells' enormous contract before the 2007 season begins.

Toronto general manager J.P. Ricciardi was alternatingly ecstatic and anxious about the situation.

"We are absolutely thrilled to come to an agreement," Ricciardi said, "Vernon is one of the most popular players in our team's history, and also one of the best, and we could not be happier to finally have him under contract for the next seven years."

Ricciardi added, "However, our fans understand that this game is a business, and sometimes teams have to make difficult decisions that, while perhaps not popular, are for the good of the franchise. We simply cannot afford to commit such a large percentage of our payroll to one individual, even one as spectacular as Vernon."

Wells reportedly held back tears when the deal was finalized, then continued to hold them back when he learned he would be leaving Toronto, the only franchise he has played for in his eight-year career.

"To have financial security for myself and my family," choked an emotional Wells, "it's just beyond words. I understand that there is no way Toronto will be able to pay me this money, though, and while it will be difficult to leave the city and these fans who've been so supportive of me over the years, well, it's kind of bitter sweet."

Wells added, "My career is at a crossroads. A wonderful, wonderful crossroads."

Headlines: Tuesday, March 20

Wells determined to eat diabetes

San Diego Padres pitcher David Wells was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes yesterday, but he today vowed to eat the disease, and that he would not allow it to affect his on-field performance.

"I've eaten worse things than diabetes," said Wells, chewing on a massive fried turkey leg in the Padres clubhouse. "People dare me to eat awful shit all the time - coins, rosin bags, Brian Giles' tanning solution, you name it. I once ate a stereo and belched 'Hells Bells' for Trevor Hoffman. I don't think eating this diabetes will be that much of a challenge."

Bengals lineman arrested for being punched by Joey Porter

Yet another Cincinnati Bengal is in legal trouble after offensive lineman Levi Jones was arrested for being punched by Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter at a casino blackjack table. The punch-receiving was just another of many criminal acts that has put more than six Bengals at odds with the law in the last eighteen months.

Last week, Bengals defensive end Justin Smith was arrested after his car was rear-ended by a drunk driver, though a Hamilton County judge recommended the minimum sentence of six months in prison for Smith because of his lack of prior convictions.

Reds move Griffey to right to prepare for injury

Cincinnati Reds manager Jerry Narron said that Ken Griffey Jr. will open the season in right field this year, putting him at a much easier position to replace once he gets injured.

"It's really tough to replace a center fielder," explained Narron. "Every year, he goes down and it leaves us with a big hole out there, so we figure if we start him in right, when he gets hurt, we can just throw Josh Hamilton over there or something. Wait, do we have Jeff Conine now? Whatever."

Indians sign Grant Hill to fix injured bullpen

Spring Training '07 Preview: Cleveland Indians

The Cleveland Indians, rattled by the retirement of banged-up Keith Foulke and the uncertainty surrounding Joe Borowski, decided to solidify their bullpen by signing former NBA star Grant Hill to a 4 year, $28 million contract. Reactions from the Indians' franchise has been nothing but optimistic, from the dugout all the way to the front office.

"He's such a likeable guy," said Indians GM Mark Shapiro, "everyone's always pulling for him. If he can stay healthy, he'll fit in great, he's a real character addition to our bullpen."

Hill failed every facet of the Indians' team physical with flying colors, and the Indians offered him the contract the next day, a class move which Hill described as "very, very surprising."

"I thought it was a joke," Hill recalls, "I'm thirty-four, I've never thrown a baseball, I'm still in the NBA, and so on. I guess they have a bunch of injured guys in their bullpen, though, and they kept telling me I'd be the 'perfect fit.' I was flattered. Surprised, not completely sure what they meant, but yeah, mostly flattered."

The Cleveland Plain-Dealer reports that the Indians may still be looking to add another player to the bullpen mix in case Hill gets injured; among the leading candidates to be signed are former NFL quarterback Joe Theismann, former Detroit Red Wing Vladimir Konstantinov, Barbaro, and Hilary Swank's character from "Million Dollar Baby."

Meche intent on not pitching like Gil Meche

Spring Training '07 Preview: Kansas City Royals

When Gil Meche agreed to a 5-year, $55 million deal with the Royals this offseason, he knew his days of coasting through the league as a fundamentally mediocre pitcher were over. In fact, Meche recalls the day of the signing as clearly as his first day in the big leagues.

"When I got this huge contract, I was all like, 'whoa shit, I need to pitch a lot better now," he said. "It was fun sort of goofing off in Seattle, tossing out the occassional decent start every couple months, but I'm making a lot of money now, so I feel like I ought to concentrate on being a really good pitcher."

Meche refuses to accept praise for his refreshing new mindset, attributing all the credit to the motivational thinking of Royals General Manager Dayton Moore.

"What were we gonna do," explained Moore, "give him $6 million and have him putz around out there with his 1.50 WHIP like he's done every year of his life? Hell no. We gave him fifty-five million dollars thinking it would be a major wake-up call, a way of letting him know, 'you're making a lot of money now, so you better not pitch like you have in your entire career up until this point.'"

Meche has gone so far out of his way to not pitch like himself, he plans to go by the name "Brandon Ryder" this season so that fans will assume he's an up-and-coming young prospect and not a pitcher coming off two 5.00+ ERA seasons in the last three years despite playing in a massive, pitcher-friendly home stadium. He has also not ruled out pitching left-handed, throwing nothing but knuckleballs, and wearing slanty-eyed novelty glasses to make himself appear Asian.

What's next, frosted tips?

"Ha, no way," laughed Meche. "A green mohawk, actually."

Rangers expect Sosa to regain '60-homer form'

Spring Training '07 Preview: Texas Rangers

General Manager Jon Daniels knows that his Texas Rangers had some problems last year: starting pitching, bullpen, the list goes on and on. The Rangers' most glaring flaw, however, besides every other imaginable aspect of baseball, was their inability to hit home runs.

Daniels could have sat idly by or made some minor cosmetic changes and pretended everything was all better, but instead, he went out and made a huge splash.

How big of a splash?

Try Sammy Sosa. As in, "three-time sixty home run hitter" Sammy Sosa.

"I couldn't believe no one had signed Sammy Sosa," Daniels explained. "When I saw he was available, I assumed it was like Jorge Sosa or some young Diamondbacks guy I'd never heard of, but when I called him in, it was really him! How did everyone forget about him, did they all just assume he was signed? Here was a guy with 588 career home runs, and he was more than willing to accept a minor league contract. What a rare find! Talented and modest."

Asked if he believed Sosa could actually duplicate his 60-HR totals from seasons past, Daniels answered, "Yeah, of course he can. Why couldn't he? How much could have possibly changed in a couple years? The guy had knee problems in 2003 and he still hit 40 homers. What, did he just get all weak now or something? In three years? How much sense does that make?"

The rest of the Rangers' front-office has echoed Daniels' enthusiasm about the Sosa signing.

Rangers Assistant GM Thad Levine recalls, "When Jon said he was looking for more power, I said, 'I got two words for you: Sammy... Sosa!' I thought it was a funny joke, but I think Jon took it a little too far when he actually signed him. Although, Frank Thomas going to Oakland last year happened after someone lost a bet, and that actually turned out alright."

As for Sosa himself, when asked if he felt he could regain his 60-HR form, the slugger responded with guarded optimism.

"Ummm - probably not?" replied a characteristically modest Sosa. "I guess I could maybe get a ball over a fence now, if there's a whole bunch of wind or something, I haven't really tried in like a year. I doubt I can hit the ball 500 feet anymore, but that's mostly just because I'm older; you know how getting older makes you a whole, whole lot weaker. I am a little more experienced now, and I do know the pitchers a little better, so maybe something in the 8-11 HR range isn't out of the question."

Erstad brings 60 games worth of toughness, hustle to Sox

Spring Training '07 Preview: Chicago White Sox

Ninety-six. That's the number of games played Darin Erstad has averaged over the last four seasons.

Ninety-six million. That's how gritty Darin Erstad is.

The Chicago White Sox, in an effort to get tougher and hustle some more, added Darin "Tuffygrit" Erstad this offseason. Needless to say, the team is already excited about what he can bring to the table for at least fifty or so games in 2007.

"I feel like there were about 60 games last year where we were not tough," White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen attempted to say. "If we have Darin for half of those, I feel like we will be tougher and get us some winning baseball."

He added, "[BLEEP]."

White Sox GM Kenny Williams jumped at the opportunity to bring Erstad's five-tool combination of toughness, grit, hustle, presence, and injury-proneness to Chicago.

"He brings a certain presence to the clubhouse," said Williams. "Him just being there reminds other players to be tough and hustle. Even when Darin's hurt, he's still right there in the clubhouse, like he's telling the other players 'hey, I can be just as valuable when I'm not playing!' The guys really respond to that, you know?"

Angels outfielder Garrett Anderson, Erstad's longtime teammate in Anaheim, raved about Erstad's ability to affect a team's entire mentality.

"He does get hurt a lot," explained Anderson, "but when he's out, if your team struggles, people talk about how you're just missing Erstad's presence in your lineup, and you don't feel so bad. If your team succeeds, then people say 'imagine how good they're gonna be when they get Erstad back!' Nothing Darin does ever has any negative impact on anything, and that's why I feel like Chicago is really gonna love him."

FBI institutes "Mariners Protection Program"

Spring Training '07 Preview: Seattle Mariners

The Federal Bureau of Investigation recently unveiled their new "Mariners Protection Program," an alternative to the Witness Protection Program that, rather than completely erasing the lives of endangered witnesses, simply places persons who testify onto the Seattle Mariners.

"We finally found a happy medium," said William Souther, the program's co-founder and director. "People don't have to give up their lives, but once they're sent to Seattle, national interest in them rapidly dissipates. It's also kind of exciting for them, they get to play on a professional baseball team."

Souther said the idea struck him after he realized that he hadn't seen nor heard anything about Adrian Beltre, runner-up for the 2004 National League MVP award, in more than two years.

"I couldn't believe how effectively they were hiding these guys," gushed Souther. "Beltre, Richie Sexson, Eddie Guardado, Carl Everett, Jarrod Washburn, Mike Hargrove - used to be sought after by other teams, then all the sudden, whoosh! Vanished into thin air. Apparently Jeff Weaver just headed out there too - good luck finding him and killing him now, Bill Stoneman!"

Souther added, "The best part of the program is, the witnesses don't have to hide from anything. Their games will be televised, they'll be covered in the papers - somehow, no one ever seems to notice or care. As long as the people they testify against aren't third generation Seattleans, they couldn't be less interested anytime they see that teal spikeyball of safety."

Mariners GM Bill Bavasi, when asked if he was concerned about having to deal with an upcoming influx of random citizens onto his baseball club, said he wasn't fazed.

"No biggie," Bavasi commented. "They can't be more useless than Jeremy Reed."

Leyland motivates Tigers with vaguely gruff mumbles

Spring Training '07 Preview: Detroit Tigers

Jim Leyland, the master motivator whose barely-audible strings of authoritative cliches motivated the Tigers all the way into the World Series last year now faces an even greater challenge: motivating his team again in 2007.

"We had a good year, lot of good young players," mumbled Leyland, his cigarette-soaked voice seemingly coming from his moustache. "We can't be lazy, we've got to be good again this year, do some good things, good players, and play some good baseball."

Leyland's managerial style of occassionally saying things about stuff may be a radical departure from what every other manager in the league does, but the young Tigers are not shy about praising their usually inaudible leader.

"He gets me so goddamn motivated," beamed righty Justin Verlander as he unleashed a barrage of highly motivated 98 MPH fastballs during a bullpen session. "Before he got here, I was throwing in the low nineties and hanging breaking balls all the time, but when he became our manager and started mumbling things like 'big game today gotta look alive' or 'Verlander, nice something something of the something,' I just instantly started pitching so much better. I'm pretty sure one of those 'somethings' was a swear word, too."

Though Leyland's reputation as a motivator is well-known, he is more than humble when asked to explain his success as a manager.

"I don't know," Leyland admitted, "maybe other teams' managers don't say things ever or toss occassional witty quips to the press? It sure worked last year, I guess. I also [bleep] find that throwing in a bleeped swear word where one couldn't possibly belong in a sentence makes for good sound bytes. I figure that probably got us like an extra five wins."

Drew adjusting to being douchebag in entirely new league

Spring Training '07 Preview: Boston Red Sox

A new team. A new city. A new league. A new, non-douchey J.D. Drew?

Hardly.

The Red Sox aren't surprised that J.D. Drew has adjusted to being an enormously unlikeable douchebag in the American League - after all, they wouldn't have gambled on a 5 year, $50 million contract if they were worried Drew couldn't adjust - but they've been pleasantly surprised with just how quickly he's adjusted to American League douchebaggery.

Red Sox hitting coach Dave Magadan raves, "J.D. is just one of those guys who can roll out of bed, walk into the batter's box, and be a giant douche. Kind of reminds me of George Brett, you know?"

Drew has already impressed some of his teammates with his complete lack of regret for holding out, his humorously low games played totals, and his generally unwarm demeanor, but Drew says he won't be content until he establishes himself as an elite American League Douchebag.

"Douches in the American League are on a whole 'nother level," Drew said. " You got Manny, A-Rod, Billy Beane, Curt Schilling, Carl Everett is probably on some team - you're sort of starstruck at first, but it's just up to me to prove I belong."

When asked about the biggest adjustment he would have to make, Drew responded, "I think having the Designated Hitter changes some things. Now if I have an ankle injury or something, I could probably still get in the lineup as a DH, so I'll have to make sure to get a lot more injured. I'm excited - I want to be remembered as one of the most notorious douchebags ever to wear a Red Sox uniform."

He added, "At least for like two years, then maybe I'll hold out and go to, I don't know, the Angels or something?"

Headlines: Thursday, March 1

Angels kind of hoping Matthews is still taking steroids

With news breaking that Gary Matthews Jr. may have taken steroids before his all-star 2006 season, the Los Angeles Angels, who signed Matthews to a 5 year, $50 million contract this fall, are all sort of secretly hoping that he hasn't quit the juice.

"Um, yeah, steroids are really bad," admitted Angels GM Bill Stoneman. "I guess he should stop taking them? I don't know, I really hope he doesn't go back to playing like a disposable journeyman, especially after all that money we're giving him. Hmm..."

Sabres looking for Zubrus to bolster eighth line

The Buffalo Sabres are excited about their acquisition of veteran winger Dainius Zubrus, who coach Lindy Ruff described as "A solid two-way player who should really fit in well on our eighth line."

Sabres GM Darcy Regier explained, "We already have about fifteen forwards who can score, but depth is a really important part of this league. We'll dress four lines, our fifth and sixth lines will stay in the locker room, the seventh will hang out in the parking lot, and Dainus will watch the games from his hotel room next to a telephone."

He added, "We have a window of opportinuty right now, and we don't want something like a flu outbreak or a team plane crash to derail our momentum."

Ravens swear they're done sleeping with Jamal Lewis

The Baltimore Ravens again parted ways with runningback Jamal Lewis yesterday, though numerous reports are suggesting that Baltimore may relapse and invite Lewis over before training camp starts.

"No, I'm serious this time, we're finished," coach Brian Billick kept saying repeatedly. "No, I'm not drunk. Shut up, I'm not. I'm really really serious. I'm through with Jamal, I don't care what happens to him."

Defensive Coordinator Rex Ryan said that he "Isn't buying it" about Lewis and added, "When I tried to delete Jamal's number from Brian's phone, he yanked it away and started screaming at me. Does that mean we'll see Lewis in a Ravens uniform again? I don't know, you tell me."

Headlines: Tuesday, Feb 27

Manny causes distraction by arriving in camp

Manny Ramirez showed up to Red Sox training camp yesterday a week earlier than expected, an act of characteristic selfishness which has left his teammates uneasy and the coaching staff baffled.

"He said he wouldn't be here til next week," said bench coach Brad Mills, "then he strolls in out of nowhere, ready to start getting in shape for the season. We don't have a locker ready for him, we're scrambling to fit him into the drills - it's just another case of Manny putting himself before the team."

Thrashers acquire Tkachuk for old, fat Cup run

The Atlanta Thrashers acquired veteran forward Keith Tkachuk from the St. Louis Blues for a prospect and two draft picks, giving GM Don Waddell what he called "the missing piece to our really old, overweight puzzle."

Waddell added, "The playoffs are a long and grueling endeavor, and players tend to lose massive amounts of water weight. Now that we've got Keith 'The Camel' on our side, I think we're ready to go the distance."

Bills looking to trade "irritatingly productive" McGahee

Buffalo Bills coach Dick Jauron publicly stated that the team would entertain offers for Willis McGahee, the frustratingly consistent runningback whose usefulness and relative health do not appear to fit into the Bills' plans for 2007.

"Our team is built for inconsistency, " Jauron said. "We want a whole team capable of getting shut out any given week - this way, we can lure teams into a false sense of security and catch them off guard the next week. Willis just hasn't really worked out as we envisioned, especially with him being constantly healthy, and I believe it's time for us to part ways."

Chargers GM realizes he only fired Schottenheimer in dream, fires Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers general manager A.J. Smith came to the shocking but fortunate realization yesterday that he only had a dream about firing coach Marty Schottenheimer after the Chargers' playoff elimination in January, but that the firing never actually occurred. After calling various San Diego area newspapers to confirm that he never actually fired Schottenheimer, Smith then gathered his wits and called Schottenheimer to fire him.

"I was watching something on Sportscenter about Wade Phillips going to the Cowboys," Smith said, "and they said something about 'can Marty keep this team together without his coordinators,' and I laughed, figuring they'd made a mistake. Then they showed this graphic with all the new coaches this year and had Cam Cameron coaching Miami, and I was like, wait, I definitely remember hiring him to replace Marty, what the hell's going on?"

Smith went on to describe the wave of terror that shot through him when it dawned on him that he never actually fired Schottenheimer, saying "I couldn't believe it. I was positive I fired the guy. Obviously I was going to, we were feuding all season, then he choked again in the playoffs like that - what was I gonna do, tell him 'nice try slugger' and give him an extension? How come no one said anything to me? Were they all trying to be nice?"

Smith, still shaken from the events of yesterday evening, then recalled the dream he had in which he fired Schottenheimer.

"It was so real," he said. "Right after the Patriots loss, I said 'Marty, office, now!' and he came in and I pretended to be all calm and accepting then I started choking him and was like 'how does it feel??? This is what you've done to every franchise you've ever worked for!!!' and he was crying and apologizing and then Cam Cameron - or I guess it was Cam Cameron, it was kind of this dude I knew in the dream but don't really know in real life, you know? - he stabbed Marty in the back and then we hung him from the rafters of my high school gym."

Smith paused.

"I really wish that had happened," he added. "The important thing is, he's fired now, and we can move on. Man, that would have been an awkward training camp."

Jones, Davis cross-franchise power struggle intensifies

The Cowboys' recent hiring of head coach Wade Phillips has drawn ire from the Raiders' notoriously controlling owner Al Davis, who is upset he was not allowed to have input in Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' coaching search. Jones, also well-known for his organizational power struggles, reportedly still harbors resentment toward Davis for not consulting him before the Raiders hired Lane Kiffin from USC as their head coach in January.

Despite numerous on-record power struggles and a substantial backlog of coaches with short lifespans, Jones has downplayed the recent allegations that he is currently in a power struggle with Davis, saying "It's ludicrous... we're owners of two completely different teams, how could we be in a power struggle? All I'm saying is, you look at the Raiders the last few years, the guy could probably use my advice. It's not like I'm asking to call the plays or anything."

Davis' retort was not as diplomatic.

"The guy is nuts for hiring Wade Phillips," said Davis, "that fatass doesn't believe in basing your entire franchise on drafting defensivebacks in the first two rounds every year. And neither does Jerry Jones. They're both wrong, and I figured, as the owner of the Raiders, I have every right to make sure the Cowboys are headed in the direction that I see fit."

The Dallas Morning news is reporting that while Jones and Davis have always resented one another for trying to out-control each other, the personal rivalry between the two intensified after Bill Parcells' retirement, leaving Jones without a power struggle partner.

Neither owner has given any indication that the feud will end anytime soon.

Jones added, "If that puppet coach from USC doesn't coach the Raiders exactly how I want them to be coached, his job may be in jeopardy. Yes, I know he just got hired. Yes, I know I don't have the authority to fire the Raiders coach. Are there any more questions? No? I'm done."

Fellow owner Daniel Snyder of the Washington Redskins was unamused to learn of the Jones/Davis cross-team power struggle.

"I'm giving them thirty days to bury the hatchet," Snyder said. "When that's up, if they're still fighting, I'm buying both franchises and putting Norv Turner in charge of both."

Favre Dreams of One Last 9-7 Finish and First Round Exit

Brett Favre has officially announced that he will play again in '07.

In a statement to the media, Favre, confident as ever, proclaimed, "You play this game for one reason and one reason only: to finish marginally above .500 and get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs."

At 37, Favre is certainly not without his critics, but he's not fazed.

"For years, people have been expecting me to break down, telling me I should retire now, that it's hurting the franchise to keep coming back" Favre said. "That just fuels my desire to prove them wrong in just over half the games this upcoming season. I can't wait to show everyone I have exactly enough left in the tank for one final abrupt playoff exit."

Packers head coach Mike McCarthy is confident that Favre will have the better-than-average enough supporting cast in Green Bay that he needs to end his career on a slightly high note.

"We sure miss Javon Walker, but if Donald Driver keeps piling up the garbage yards and Ahman Green stops by for a few games, we might be able to compete in our piddling division," McCarthy said. "I don't imagine we're going to go overboard and address our concerns in the secondary this offseason, though."

"It's like I'm already fired," McCarthy added.

When asked if he has an encore planned to top his four-interception playoff choke from the 2004 season, Favre restated, "You don't play this game for personal glory. I'm not gonna go out there and try to throw five interceptions or fumble on the goal line or re-injure Ahman Green, or whatever. Those things will take care of themselves. My job is to go out there and get beaten by some other imperfect team that'll lose in the next round, maybe Minnesota or the Rams or something. But it would really mean a lot for my final loss to come at Lambeau in front of my home fans whose sentimental, unwavering faith in me has allowed these chokes to continue to be increasingly gut-wrenching."

Favre added, "The bottom line is, we've got a great group of talented guys here who will settle for nothing less than the fifth or sixth NFC playoff seeds. The area just beneath the sky is the limit."

Belichick lists entire Patriots roster as doubtful for Superbowl

Bill Belichick released the Patriots' team injury report to the media yesterday, listing every single one of the players on the 53-man roster as "doubtful" for Superbowl XLI a week from Sunday.

"I won't comment on specific players," said Belichick, "but right now we have a number of situations at hand with regard to various individuals, and we'll have to wait and see how it plays out over the course of the week."

Even taking into account Belichick's history of exaggerated injury reports, the Patriots' would-be-opponent Bears were surprised by the move.

"He does realize they lost, right?" said Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera. "I can't tell if Bill's joking, or just being cautious, or, well, just being his regular a-hole self."

When asked why he still submitted an injury report after his team was knocked out of the playoffs, Belichick reiterated "I simply cannot say at this point who's going to play and who isn't, there are a bunch of factors at hand. I'd like to think Rodney [Harrison] and Tedi [Bruchi] are going to start, but we don't want to risk them coming back too soon."

He added, "We'll just have to wait for the Superbowl and see what happens."