Steelers down to final three candidates in search of coach for Pittsburgh dads to complain about

Looking to uphold Bill Cowher's legacy as the most complained-about-by-dads coach in Pittsburgh history, the Rooney family has presented the following questionnaire to the Steelers' final three coaching choices - Russ Grimm, Mike Tomlin, and Ron Rivera - in the hopes of determining the one with the highest potential for dad complaints.

1. Are you Chuck Noll? Circle One: ( / NO)

2. When will the Steelers win the AFC North again?
-A- Within the next three seasons, so we can say you just inherited good players.
-B- Not within the next three seasons, meaning you'll be fired and demonized.

3. How would you describe your general offensive philosophy?
-A- Aggressive: Always going for it on fourth and short and never kicking field goals in the red zone.
-B- Too Conservative: Punting for field position, running when you have a lead, and NEVER WINNING A SUPERBOWL (except for when you win the Superbowl)
-C- Balanced: No such thing, same as B.

4. One of your players takes a late cheap-shot at the opposing quarterback. What do you do?
-A- Discuss the matter with the player privately and defer questions from the media, meaning you've lost control of the team.
-B- Assure the media "It will never happen again," even though you know it will because you've lost control of the team.
-C- Tell Jack Lambert "nice play"

5. How visibly emotional emotional can you get?
-A- Extremely emotional (if you choose this one, your being emotional crap has already gotten old)
-B- Never emotional, meaning you don't care and/or you've lost control of the team.

6. Of the following players, whom would you choose as your starting quarterback?
-A- Bubby Brister
-B- Neil O'Donnell
-C- Kordell Stewart
-D- Tommy Maddox
-E- Whichever one you're not starting

7. Which of these following hypothetical situations can be blamed on the head coach?
-A- Your quarterback throwing four incomplete passes inside the 10 yard line on the final possession to lose the AFC Championship to a greatly inferior Chargers team.
-B- Your quarterback throwing two interceptions to lose the Superbowl by 10 points to the winnegest franchise of the 1990s.
-C- Your quarterback throwing three interceptions to lose at home to the Superbowl-bound Denver Broncos.
-D- Your quarterback throwing two interceptions in the final three minutes and your special teams allowing two touchdowns to lose to the Superbowl-bound New England Patriots.
-E- Handing the ball off to Jerome Bettis in an attempt to seal a playoff victory on the road against the Colts and having Bettis fumble. You won the game, but still, I mean, come on.
-F- All of the above.

8. Who is your coaching mentor?
-A- Bill Parcells. You wish.
-B- Marty Schottenheimer. Not sure exactly how he taught you to choke like that in the playoffs every year, but he obviously got the message across.
-C- Don't try to pretend you weren't Schottenheimer's disciple in Cleveland. We're not stupid.

9. What do you believe is the most important position to address in the draft?
-A- Offensive Line. A lineman, again? How bout we draft a damn receiver?
-B- Wide Receiver. You really want to waste some picks on guys like Troy Edwards and Plaxico Burress? Give me a break.
-C- Cornerback. Why bother, you know whoever's back there is gonna suck.
-D- Linebacker. What?? We already have good linebackers. How bout a damn tackle, our O-line sucks.

10. Finally, how would you best describe yourself?
-A- As a hard-nosed, no-nonsense, blue-collar, cut-and-dry, hard-collar, matter-of-fact, down-to-earth, guy who literally wears a blue collar that is really hard and whose nose is also really hard and possibly with a second blue collar underneath the first if it's cold.
-B- If you even glanced beyond A, get the fuck out of our city.

(Originally Posted 1/16/07)

People of New Orleans awaiting next football season so they can resume being inspired

The Saints' brutal 39-14 defeat at the hands of the Bears Sunday left the players scratching their heads - and the people of New Orleans without a source of inspiration.

With no more Saints games until the preseason resumes in August, New Orleans citizens will now have to face several months without anyone to inspire them or distract them from the grueling aftermath of Hurricane Katrina.

"Watching Drew Brees throw for 350 yards each week was really what kept me going during this rough time," said Geoff Greene, a high school teacher from the Garden District. "Without the Saints winning improbably, how am I going to be inspired? No one in my family's handicapped or anything. One kid at my school is, but it's not inspiring, it's actually a little sad."

Other fans are depressed at the thought of returning to a reality without a Saints season to occupy them.

"It was such a great distraction from everything," said Ana Walzer, a Carrolton resident. "We'd cheer at the screen, 'go Deuce, go Reggie!' and then be like, 'wait, what happened last year? Never mind, I remember now. But for a second there I forgot.' It's gonna be tough to go without that for the next few months."

New Orleans City Councilman John Batt Jr. spoke of the ideological implications of the Saints' magical season.

"Having the Saints back playing in the Superdome was our way of announcing to the country, we're strong, we're together, and we're not going anywhere," he said. "Now how are we going to do it? Jazz or something? Cajun food? Yeah, maybe CBS will air a three hour event where people gather in the Superdome to eat crawfish. This sucks."

Ex-Steeler Tommy Maddox Shoots 75

All I'm saying is, the headline caught me a little off guard. It actually seems more likely that Tommy Maddox would shoot 75 people than him actually being good at a sport, let alone a sport in which he was not a first-round draft pick. Or maybe I'm an idiot. But it's probably the first thing.

Forbes knows less about sports than that dude yelling at the bar

I'm usually Numbertruster McStatso in this blogspace, but this Forbes Magazine list attempting to quantify the 100 Best General Managers in sports is about as pitiful as it is retarded.

Using a poorly conceived mishmash of flimsy stats called "winning improvement index" and "payroll containment," Forbes has determined that the best GMs in sports are:

1. Kevin McHale, Minnesota Timberwolves

2. Jay Feaster, Tampa Bay Lightning

3. Billy King, Philadelphia 76ers

4. A.J. Smith, San Diego Chargers

5. Lou Lamoriello, New Jersey Devils

6. Don Waddell, Atlanta Thrashers

First off, besides Feaster and Lamoriello, none of the others have won a championship; King's 76ers did make the NBA Finals in 2001, meaning four of the six best GMs in sports have a combined one Finals appearance in 29 seasons (McHale's Wolves have gotten past the first round once in his 11 years there.) Also note that McHale, King, and Waddell could all conceivably be fired in the next year and their fanbases would be happy. Can the same be said for Billy Beane (#26), John Schuerholz (#42), or Ozzie Newsome (#89)? Not to mention A.J. Smith constantly feuding with coaches and giving away Drew Brees to New Orleans, or Don Waddell adding Keith Tkachuk to the group of one-dimensional forwards he calls a team, or EVERY SINGLE CONTRACT Billy King and McHale have dished out in the past four years?

All right, so the list is BS. I don't need to waste more than a paragraph debating that point. My question is, though, how can Forbes, which seems so smart when it's sitting in my investment banker friends' bathrooms, come up with such a fundamentally flawed module?

Big problem number one - this garbage "Winning Improvement index" is meaningless. Billy Beane is the highest-ranked baseball GM at #26, just one spot above fucking Bobby Clarke, who was fired earlier this year and probably should have been two years ago. The list apparently treats winning and winning percentage as numerical equivalents between all sports; in the NFL, the Chargers went 14-2 this year, in the NBA, the Mavericks have an .847 win percentage, and in the NHL, with win totals weighted because of overtime victories, Buffalo technically has a .733 win percentage. Meanwhile, no team in baseball even finished above .600 in 2006, and the '01 Mariners, who set a modern record for wins, still only finished at .716. No matter what, improvement in baseball is never going to be as numerically drastic as it will in the other sports, and, as a result, Dave Taylor (#18) of the hapless LA Kings is a better GM than the Twins' Terry Ryan (#53).

Big problem number two - Counting "winning improvement" and not just "winning" improperly rewards GMs who happen to have taken over for struggling teams. The Chargers were 31-65 in the six seasons prior to A.J. Smith's arrival, which not only means that pretty much anything the Chargers would have done under Smith would have been an improvement, but it also means that Smith was allowed to reap the benefits of five seasons of high drafting, including the infamous Michael Vick trade orchestrated by John Butler prior to Smith's tenure that resulted in LaDanian Tomlinson, Shawne Merriman, and Drew Brees coming to San Diego. The team obviously improved after that, and, long story short, A.J. Smith has a Winning Improvement index of 209, securing his space on Dumbnumbers Magazine's list of stupid doodooheads.

I could go on to talk about how the list only measures vague franchise results, not the actual actions of the GMs, or about how it doesn't weigh in highs and lows or playoff success, or pretty much anything about anything, for that matter, but what's the point? We all know that it would just more or less confirm what this list tells us - that Isiah Thomas of the Knicks (#82) and Dave Littlefield of the Pirates (#84) are better GMs than the Red Wings' Ken Holland (#90) and his three poorly indexed Stanley Cups.

Chargers GM realizes he only fired Schottenheimer in dream, fires Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers general manager A.J. Smith came to the shocking but fortunate realization yesterday that he only had a dream about firing coach Marty Schottenheimer after the Chargers' playoff elimination in January, but that the firing never actually occurred. After calling various San Diego area newspapers to confirm that he never actually fired Schottenheimer, Smith then gathered his wits and called Schottenheimer to fire him.

"I was watching something on Sportscenter about Wade Phillips going to the Cowboys," Smith said, "and they said something about 'can Marty keep this team together without his coordinators,' and I laughed, figuring they'd made a mistake. Then they showed this graphic with all the new coaches this year and had Cam Cameron coaching Miami, and I was like, wait, I definitely remember hiring him to replace Marty, what the hell's going on?"

Smith went on to describe the wave of terror that shot through him when it dawned on him that he never actually fired Schottenheimer, saying "I couldn't believe it. I was positive I fired the guy. Obviously I was going to, we were feuding all season, then he choked again in the playoffs like that - what was I gonna do, tell him 'nice try slugger' and give him an extension? How come no one said anything to me? Were they all trying to be nice?"

Smith, still shaken from the events of yesterday evening, then recalled the dream he had in which he fired Schottenheimer.

"It was so real," he said. "Right after the Patriots loss, I said 'Marty, office, now!' and he came in and I pretended to be all calm and accepting then I started choking him and was like 'how does it feel??? This is what you've done to every franchise you've ever worked for!!!' and he was crying and apologizing and then Cam Cameron - or I guess it was Cam Cameron, it was kind of this dude I knew in the dream but don't really know in real life, you know? - he stabbed Marty in the back and then we hung him from the rafters of my high school gym."

Smith paused.

"I really wish that had happened," he added. "The important thing is, he's fired now, and we can move on. Man, that would have been an awkward training camp."

Jones, Davis cross-franchise power struggle intensifies

The Cowboys' recent hiring of head coach Wade Phillips has drawn ire from the Raiders' notoriously controlling owner Al Davis, who is upset he was not allowed to have input in Cowboys owner Jerry Jones' coaching search. Jones, also well-known for his organizational power struggles, reportedly still harbors resentment toward Davis for not consulting him before the Raiders hired Lane Kiffin from USC as their head coach in January.

Despite numerous on-record power struggles and a substantial backlog of coaches with short lifespans, Jones has downplayed the recent allegations that he is currently in a power struggle with Davis, saying "It's ludicrous... we're owners of two completely different teams, how could we be in a power struggle? All I'm saying is, you look at the Raiders the last few years, the guy could probably use my advice. It's not like I'm asking to call the plays or anything."

Davis' retort was not as diplomatic.

"The guy is nuts for hiring Wade Phillips," said Davis, "that fatass doesn't believe in basing your entire franchise on drafting defensivebacks in the first two rounds every year. And neither does Jerry Jones. They're both wrong, and I figured, as the owner of the Raiders, I have every right to make sure the Cowboys are headed in the direction that I see fit."

The Dallas Morning news is reporting that while Jones and Davis have always resented one another for trying to out-control each other, the personal rivalry between the two intensified after Bill Parcells' retirement, leaving Jones without a power struggle partner.

Neither owner has given any indication that the feud will end anytime soon.

Jones added, "If that puppet coach from USC doesn't coach the Raiders exactly how I want them to be coached, his job may be in jeopardy. Yes, I know he just got hired. Yes, I know I don't have the authority to fire the Raiders coach. Are there any more questions? No? I'm done."

Fellow owner Daniel Snyder of the Washington Redskins was unamused to learn of the Jones/Davis cross-team power struggle.

"I'm giving them thirty days to bury the hatchet," Snyder said. "When that's up, if they're still fighting, I'm buying both franchises and putting Norv Turner in charge of both."

Colts defeat rain, weather storm, manage to play football even when rain was falling onto the football field from the sky, now reign as champions of football and apparently weather

In case you didn't catch that Superbowl last night, the Colts won in a game that was filled with rain and you know what's funny I'll tell you what it is like they are reigning as champions huh??!

For more about the Colts' amazing triumph over weather, try Fox Sports, Yahoo! Sports, or just read the amazing first line of John Clayton's wrapup.

Favre Dreams of One Last 9-7 Finish and First Round Exit

Brett Favre has officially announced that he will play again in '07.

In a statement to the media, Favre, confident as ever, proclaimed, "You play this game for one reason and one reason only: to finish marginally above .500 and get eliminated in the first round of the playoffs."

At 37, Favre is certainly not without his critics, but he's not fazed.

"For years, people have been expecting me to break down, telling me I should retire now, that it's hurting the franchise to keep coming back" Favre said. "That just fuels my desire to prove them wrong in just over half the games this upcoming season. I can't wait to show everyone I have exactly enough left in the tank for one final abrupt playoff exit."

Packers head coach Mike McCarthy is confident that Favre will have the better-than-average enough supporting cast in Green Bay that he needs to end his career on a slightly high note.

"We sure miss Javon Walker, but if Donald Driver keeps piling up the garbage yards and Ahman Green stops by for a few games, we might be able to compete in our piddling division," McCarthy said. "I don't imagine we're going to go overboard and address our concerns in the secondary this offseason, though."

"It's like I'm already fired," McCarthy added.

When asked if he has an encore planned to top his four-interception playoff choke from the 2004 season, Favre restated, "You don't play this game for personal glory. I'm not gonna go out there and try to throw five interceptions or fumble on the goal line or re-injure Ahman Green, or whatever. Those things will take care of themselves. My job is to go out there and get beaten by some other imperfect team that'll lose in the next round, maybe Minnesota or the Rams or something. But it would really mean a lot for my final loss to come at Lambeau in front of my home fans whose sentimental, unwavering faith in me has allowed these chokes to continue to be increasingly gut-wrenching."

Favre added, "The bottom line is, we've got a great group of talented guys here who will settle for nothing less than the fifth or sixth NFC playoff seeds. The area just beneath the sky is the limit."

The Longest Winning Streaks In Sports

The Suns' 17th straight win on Sunday was impressive, but, in order to retroactively diminish this accomplishment, let's take a look at some of the longest winning streaks in the history of organized sport. Also, this article will hopefully get me some Google hits somewhere down the road, boobs hot sex webcam free download porn.

Turns out, the Suns have a ways to go - the longest winning streak in NBA history is [fucking] 33 straight wins by the 1971-72 LA Lakers. No one's even close - the Milwaukee Bucks of the previous season won 20 straight en route to a championship season, although the Lakers shattered that record in '72 then knocked the Bucks out of the playoffs. Phil Jackson's '99 Lakers notched 19, though the Jordan era Bulls never ran off more than 18, tied with the '81-'82 Celtics and the '69-'70 Knicks. Also, despite what this confusingly worded article says, the Charlotte Bobcats do not, in fact, crack the top trillion.

Numerically speaking, the shortest record streak of the major professional sports belongs to the NHL's Pittsburgh Penguins, who won 17 straight in the 1992-93 season. History fails to mention that the Penguins were likely inspired by yours truly attending many of the games during this streak, though granted, I was still of the age where I was buying twist ice cream cones at the games and pretending the vanilla and chocolate ice creams were fighting. Also, bear in mind that in the NOT NEW NHL, or whatever the league was called back then, ties were commonplace - the longest unbeaten streak in NHL history belongs to the '79-'80 Flyers, who were ultimately upended in the Cup Finals by Al Arbour's Islanders. The Islanders also eliminated the '92-'93 Penguins, and my mom yelled at me for throwing a puck at the tv after it happened.

When I looked up the NFL's longest win streak, I expected it to be either the '72 Dolphins or some hilarious olde tyme team that started using the forward pass regularly despite ridicule, so needless to say, I was horrified to be reminded that these guys broke the record a couple years ago with 21. That's all well and good, but how'd they fare in the playoffs?? Really? Whatever.

I recalled offhand the Oakland A's 20-game win streak in 2002 (in the 20th win, they went up 11-0 on the Royals, then gave up 11 unearned runs and still won 12-11). However, the longest winning streak in MLB history actually unearths the olde tyme hilarity I was expecting out of the NFL, namely the feat of 21 straight wins shared by the 1880 Chicago White Stockings and the 1935 Chicago Cubs. The 1916 New York Giants did win 26 straight games, but they technically tied a game in the middle of the streak, which used to happen frequently in baseball's lightless days. Or alternatively, the Giants just weren't fit to tie Chicago's White Stockings.

Looking beyond the four major professional leagues exhumes some even more humorous streaks - minor league baseball's Salt Lake Trappers won 29 straight games, the record for a professional baseball league. Bud Wilkinson's Oklahoma Sooners hold the D-I football record with 47 straight wins, 24 of which came against Yale, and 23 came against William & Mary, but the streak was finally ended by Notre Dame, the other school that existed then. Interestingly, Notre Dame also ended the UCLA Bruins' 88-game record basketball streak from 1971-1974, though perhaps no one will ever top Notre Dame's streak of being indescribably unlikeable, a streak that dates back to around the school's third year of existing.

However, no winning streak in sports will ever top the greatest of the great - The United States held the America's Cup for 132 years! Granted, in a numerical sense, this streak totalled 25 victories, fewer than the Salt Lake Trappers' unforgettable '87 season, but when one takes into account how much preparation and frustration percolated in the years between each Cup race, the majesty of the feat comes into perspective. Also, while I have no knowledge or giving of shit about sailing, I do know that there are probably people who care about it a lot and that some of them live in other countries, so, you know, yeah. Wooo! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Also, even though it's not a winning streak per say, the North Carolina womens' soccer team has won 18 NCAA national championships, and no other school has more than 2. That's way more impressive than the previous paragraph. Forget I said all that crap about sailing.

So, bottom line, no matter what number the Suns stop at, the unique nature of the winning streak achievement will forever hold a sort of special, separate relevance in sports' historical cannon. Also, I just now discovered this Wikipedia Page that says most of what I just said but organized much better. Although only slightly funnier.

Belichick lists entire Patriots roster as doubtful for Superbowl

Bill Belichick released the Patriots' team injury report to the media yesterday, listing every single one of the players on the 53-man roster as "doubtful" for Superbowl XLI a week from Sunday.

"I won't comment on specific players," said Belichick, "but right now we have a number of situations at hand with regard to various individuals, and we'll have to wait and see how it plays out over the course of the week."

Even taking into account Belichick's history of exaggerated injury reports, the Patriots' would-be-opponent Bears were surprised by the move.

"He does realize they lost, right?" said Bears defensive coordinator Ron Rivera. "I can't tell if Bill's joking, or just being cautious, or, well, just being his regular a-hole self."

When asked why he still submitted an injury report after his team was knocked out of the playoffs, Belichick reiterated "I simply cannot say at this point who's going to play and who isn't, there are a bunch of factors at hand. I'd like to think Rodney [Harrison] and Tedi [Bruchi] are going to start, but we don't want to risk them coming back too soon."

He added, "We'll just have to wait for the Superbowl and see what happens."

AFC / NFC Championship Game Pix:

New England at Indianapolis - A lot of people are talking about Tom Brady and Peyton Manning, but there's someone that the media isn't talking about: Colts center Jeff Saturday. He's been there for every loss to the Patriots too, so I imagine he's also trying to get a monkey of sorts off his back, plus he's a very large human being so I assume he has a tremendous capacity for spite. Expect an inspired Saturday to block the shit out of whomever's in front of him, but, given that he's a center and he won't be as important to the game as Brady and Manning, I'm going with the Patriots.

Patriots 24, Colts 18

New Orleans at Chicago - The Saints should be inspired to keep winning in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, which is weird because they really didn't seem inspired to do anything last year, when the hurricane occurred. Maybe they needed time to gain some perspecive on the event. Chicago should be inspired too, still with a chip on their shoulder after the Chicago Fire, something that was proportionally as devastating as the hurricane and which the city has still not recovered from mentally. HBO managed to make a 9/11 documentary about the Yankees the year they lost in the World Series, so I'm sure they'll still be able to make one about New Orleans even if they lose in this game. It'll all come down to how much inspiration the Saints can bring to the field. And how their defense plays.

Bears 26, Saints 23 (OT)

What Goes through Tom Brady's head while he stands in the pocket:

Alright, if we're gonna pull this off, I have to get the ball to eleven different dudes.

Where is David Givens? Did we get rid of him? Am I thinking of Deion Branch?

Didn't we draft a receiver real early this year? It has to be one of these guys. Wait, then how'd we get Muroney?

At least three of those linemen have to be tight ends, but I can't risk throwing to the wrong one, especially after I kept calling Daniel Graham "Daniel Craig" at that dinner party.

That's not actually Kevin Faulk...? Is this gonna be that dream again where I beat the Rams in the Superbowl then make out with Brenda Warner for some reason? I'm not attracted to her at all, even subconsciously. Freud was an asshole. If Freud were my slot receiver, I'd only give him like three touches a game.

Crap, better convert this, I don't want this backup kicker guy to have to make one from 40.

Oooh, that dude has a number in the 80s, he's probably pretty fast. I'll throw to him.

No one's going to win the Superbowl this year!

And here's why!

AFC

Indianapolis Colts - Hypothetical question: is Indy's rush defense so bad that they wouldn't even be able to stop their own rushing offense? As long as they got Manning, though, they're Super Bowl contenders, provided their entire playoff run consists of regular season games.

San Diego Chargers - Marty Schottenheimer in the playoffs? The Chargers are a slam dunk! A slam dunk late in the game in NBA Jam when you're leading and the computer cheats and manages to block everything, that is.

New England Patriots - After 2004, Bill Belichick's son double dared him to try to win a Superbowl without Deion Branch, David Givens, Willie McGinest, Ty Law, and Adam Vinatieri, but didn't actually expect he'd give it a try.

Baltimore Ravens - Their strategy of getting two defensive/special teams touchdowns a game and kicking a late field goal to beat sub-.500 teams may or may not hold up come playoff time, but we'll see. Also, Steve McNair is a leader, so watch out for that.

Denver Broncos - The first round of the playoffs would mark Jay Cutler's sixth career NFL start. I don't know offhand how many rookie quarterbacks have won three playoff road games in a season, but it's probably a ton.

Kansas City Chiefs - Getting Trent Green back would be an enormous help if instead of a quarterback, he was a defensive end, an outside linebacker and multiple defensivebacks.

Cincinnati Bengals - Their defense should be well-rested after taking the first 10 games of the season off, but their "Carson Palmer not tearing his ankle" offensive scheme was exposed in the playoffs last year, so they're probably in trouble.

New York Jets - Jets? More like, METS! Wait, they were good last year. More like, METS WHEN MO VAUGHN WAS THERE! Take that.

NFC

Chicago Bears - I'm not crowning their ass yet either, Dennis Green; if Rex's QB rating was a hole of golf, he'd be hitting eagles. The Bears winning the Superbowl with Grossman would be worse than Julia Roberts winning an Oscar. And I mean for The Mexican.

Seattle Seahawks - If this were the BCS, the NFC West and NFC North wouldn't be allowed to send a representative to the playoffs. Hasselbeck will forget that Deion Branch is his teammate and accidentally throw to Jerramy Stevens every down for the next four games and the Seahawks will lose out.

Dallas Cowboys - Romo! Romo! Romo! You seen this kid? He's the perfect human being! He's the fifth element! He can blow himself! But is the Tuna's golden little tuna going to stay solid white albacore or turn into that gross Chunk Lite in oil? Lil' Penis Face Gramatica will kill them.

New Orleans Saints - Drew Brees has transformed New Orleans into the #1 ranked offense in the NFL! Too bad they have to play defense and Mark Simoneau is their starting MLB, and their best run stopper Hollis Thomas didn't realize there are steroids in glazed donuts.

Giants/Eagles/Panthers/Falcons - This NFC Wildcard race is like another Austin Powers movie. It might be OK but who gives a shit?

Carter rips Strahan for ripping Burress about ripping Manning

Left guard, punter also criticized for some reason

Earlier today, Giants #2 receiver Tim Carter blasted defensive end Michael Strahan after his comments criticizing receiver Plaxico Burress for making negative statements about Eli Manning's leadership and his own lack of effort.

"It's just uncalled for," said the normally soft-spoken Carter. "We've lost three games in a row, the last thing we need is for guys to get self-righteous and blast guys because they alienated other guys. It's just not acceptable to single out teammates, and that's exactly what my teammate Michael Strahan did."

Carter's teammates have not reacted favorably to his outburst.

"It's completely unacceptable," defensive tackle Fred Robbins told a gaggle of reporters a few minutes after Carter's statements. "If you have a problem with a teammate, you settle it face-to-face. You can't go talking about specific guys to the media. Tim Carter should know that."

The emerging Carter-Strahan animosity is just the latest chapter in a Giants season rife with tension, including the well-publicized Manning/Burress and Shockey/Coughlin feuds, as well as the lesser-known feud between third-string quarterback Tim Hasselbeck and backup linebacker Gerris Wilkinson, who videotaped themselves getting into a fight after Sunday's game and mailed the tape to the Associated Press.

Coach Tom Coughlin is expected to release a statement today condemning both Carter's statements and Robbins' subsequent reaction to them. The statement is also expected to question the lack of effort by veteran kick returner Chad Morton as well as former Giant Ike Hilliard, now with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

REASON #4986 THE EAGLES ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPERBOWL














Vikram Dewan, president and CEO of Philadelphia Zoo:

In the animal kingdom, most competitions would be settled by the survival of the fittest. While we love the Phillies, Flyers and Sixers, we would lean toward the Eagles based on a combination of past performance, player prospects, and our passionate support of our Zoo Eagle who is also hungry for a championship ring. Then again, the Phanatic is an endearing, yet endangered species which makes him and the Phils a sentimental favorite here.


Also, watch your ass Phanatic, your shit is endangered!

NFL Week 10 Recap (in Headline form)

Mangenius outcoaches Manstupid, Jets Beat Pats

Eagles Skin Skins, Washington Gibbs Up

Jaguars Jax'd Up by Texans

The Snake Charms (Sort Of), Broncos beat Junior College Raiders

Cards lose again, Dennis still a menace to Arizona's ability to win football games


Pittsburgh steels win from Saints, Parker puts it in drive

Giants Eli Down, Mauled By Bears

Rams keep hitting snooze button, becoming nearly impossible to still call them a sleeper, lose by FG to Sehawks
(that one would require a fold out page)

Falcons lose to Browns in Vick of Time

Chargers win old-fashioned shoot out, Bengals old-fashionedly suck on D

Niners win second straight, overcome shadow of Montana era

Vince still Young, Titans Lose to Ravens

Miami Rhapsody, defeat Huard and Chiefs

Pack is Back, Vikings Stiking'd, Favre having fun!

CEVIN'S KORNER:

BANNER DAY

FOR BIRDS

Buy your tickets for Miami, the Eagles have punched their tickets to Super Bowl XLI. The Eagles sent a very clear message to the rest of the NFC: Their time is now. The 2006 don't need no fancy free agents. Please don't suggest that Stallworth counts. Donte Stallworth has about much chance of working on Sunday as your 14 year old version of Mario 3, and a much higher chance of getting injured trying to get your Nintendo to function. I have two words that will put fear in the heart of any opponent: Trent Cole.

Thats right, the Eagles made a huge signing today by extending second year defensive end Trent Cole's contract through 2013. Cole started off like gangbusters this year recording five sacks in the first few games. Cole has cooled off considerably since those Glory Days when they were playing the 49ers and the Packers. The Eagles also opted to completely disregard the fact that he kicked Kareem McKenzie in the nuts and took a costly penalty that contributed to the Eagles' notorious fourth quarter meltdown against the Giants earlier this season. The Eagles anticipated an insane bidding war, we're talking IPO of Google here. Rumor has it that the Patriots were thinking of packaging Belichick's brain, Brady's heart, Bruschi's moxie and every first round pick until the Knicks make the playoffs for Cole. They simply couldn't wait.

The Cole extension comes on the heels of their decision to extend defensive tackle Mike Patterson through 2016, when we will drive flying cars and Sylvester Stallone's character in Demolition Man will be unfrozen.

This may strike some outside observers as confusing when you consider the fact that the Eagles' overall play and complete lack of discipline has been a complete cum blizzard (got tired of using shit show) over the past few weeks. Inopportune penalties, blown assignments, and just an all around high level of sucking are a few things they've been guilty of over the last 4 games, but Joe Banner and Andy Reid and the rest of the Eagles front office have found the formula to right a sinking ship: Reward ineptitude!

When a team is falling apart, arbitrarily begin to award incredibly long contract extensions to young players. The veterans, who already appear dysfunctional and defeated, will be inspired!

The Eagles have announced their intention to lock up converted outside linebacker Chris Gocong through when the Earth turns into Water World. Gocong has yet to see a snap in the regular season but this did not deter the Eagles. They also agreed in principle to sign Samuel Dalembert and double what the Sixers are currently paying because he's "young, long, and has a huge upside."

The remaining cap room will pay for Andy Reid's horrible beef straganoff addiction. For serious, dude eats it like it's baby carrots.

Johnson guarantees possible victory

In trademark Ocho-Cinco fashion, Chad Johnson boldly stepped forward this week and proclaimed, "I guarantee that we will probably beat the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday. They got absolutely not much of a chance against us."

The media has taken notice of Johnson's nearly brash statements, though Johnson is shrugging off allegations that he has scaled back his guarantees after the Bengals' loss to Atlanta last week.

"Ain't no loss gonna make me stop talking," Johnson reiterated. "The Ravens can put whoever the hell they want on me, there's still a really good chance I'm gonna score. I might even score twice, if the circumstances work out and we catch some breaks. But I'm at least guaranteeing that one touchdown is likely, and I'm gonna try for two. And you can quote me on that."

Johnson continued, "Who's gonna cover me? Chris McAllister? He ain't got no chance of keeping me from touching the ball like four or five times for probably 70, 80 yards or so. But if he falls down or they blow the coverage when I'm goin' deep, I guarantee that there's a really good chance that they ain't got no chance of stoppin' me."

NFL ALL-HALLOW'S-EVE TEAM

O-LINE (The 'O' stands for Ominous!)

LT - Matt FRIGHT (NE)
LG - SCARY Allen (SF)
C - Jeff STAKE THROUGH THE Hartings (Pit)
RG - Shawn OF THE DEAD Andrews (Phi)
RT - JOHN Wayne Gandy (Atl)

(S)KILL POSITIONS

QB - Tom 'FRAIDY (NE)
RB - Frank BLOOD N' Gore (SF)
RB - Joseph A-DIE (Ind)
WR - TERROR Owens (Dal)
WR - Rae Carruth
TE - KILLIN' Winslow (Cle)

DEFENSE (Death plays a Four-Spree!)

DE - GHOUL-ius Peppers (Car)
DT - Sam Adams FAMILY (Cin)
DT - Warren FAT GHOST Sapp (Oak)
DE - Jevon CURSED (Phi)
LB - Keith BOO-lluck (Ten)
LB - Antonio PIERCED IN THE HEART WITH A STAKE (NYG)
LB - Lofa DEATH BREAD Tatupu (Sea)
CB - DeAngelo HELL (Atl)
CB - Ronde DEMON Barber FROM FLEET STREET (TB)
S - John LYNCH (Den)
S - Dexter Jack-O'LANTERN-son (Cin)

SPECIAL TEAMS (Especially EVIL!)

K - Robbie GHOUL (Chi)
P - Shane Lech-NESS MONSTER-ler (Oak)
Returner - Dave MAGGOT (n/a)

FRONT OFFICE (Of Death!)

Coach: Tom Cough-LAND OF THE DEAD (NYG)
Owner: Zygi WERE-Wilf (Min)

OUT OF BOUNDS:

RACHEL NICHOLS



In an effort to familarize you with the ESPN anchors you watch on a loop all day, we here at TDS have created a new feature called Out of Bounds, where you'll get to know the anchors beyond their on screen personas. This week, let us introduce you to the real Rachel Nichols.

Rachel went to Northwestern University. Nichols is married to music executive Max Nichols and is the daughter-in-law of film director Mike Nichols, and stepdaughter-in-law of television journalist Diane Sawyer. For all you negative nellies out there who swear that she used some sort of connection to get on ESPN, let me reiterate that she went to Northwestern. She's also a robot.

This is why Rachel doesn't possess human emotions.

She used to go by the name Tiffany Brissette. You may be familiar with her earlier work:




Rachel grew up and went to Hot Topic and got some magenta hair dye. She is now starring in ground breaking pieces such as this:




She's also a budding comedian

Rachel will be appearing Friday's in November at the Giggleplex in Boise, Idaho.