Headlines: Monday, April 23

Crosby reveals he played Ottawa series on a broken foot; entire Penguins defense quickly adds that all of their feet were broken too

Mavs starters take night off vs. Warriors, rest up for Spurs series

Iverson, Anthony selfishly score 61 points; Nuggets selfishly upset Spurs

Dolphins still trying to acquire Trent Green for their fantasy team

Gagne injures elbow while attending to injured knee

Also, this article is pretty funny.

Headlines: Tuesday, March 20

Wells determined to eat diabetes

San Diego Padres pitcher David Wells was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes yesterday, but he today vowed to eat the disease, and that he would not allow it to affect his on-field performance.

"I've eaten worse things than diabetes," said Wells, chewing on a massive fried turkey leg in the Padres clubhouse. "People dare me to eat awful shit all the time - coins, rosin bags, Brian Giles' tanning solution, you name it. I once ate a stereo and belched 'Hells Bells' for Trevor Hoffman. I don't think eating this diabetes will be that much of a challenge."

Bengals lineman arrested for being punched by Joey Porter

Yet another Cincinnati Bengal is in legal trouble after offensive lineman Levi Jones was arrested for being punched by Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter at a casino blackjack table. The punch-receiving was just another of many criminal acts that has put more than six Bengals at odds with the law in the last eighteen months.

Last week, Bengals defensive end Justin Smith was arrested after his car was rear-ended by a drunk driver, though a Hamilton County judge recommended the minimum sentence of six months in prison for Smith because of his lack of prior convictions.

Reds move Griffey to right to prepare for injury

Cincinnati Reds manager Jerry Narron said that Ken Griffey Jr. will open the season in right field this year, putting him at a much easier position to replace once he gets injured.

"It's really tough to replace a center fielder," explained Narron. "Every year, he goes down and it leaves us with a big hole out there, so we figure if we start him in right, when he gets hurt, we can just throw Josh Hamilton over there or something. Wait, do we have Jeff Conine now? Whatever."

Headlines: Thursday, March 1

Angels kind of hoping Matthews is still taking steroids

With news breaking that Gary Matthews Jr. may have taken steroids before his all-star 2006 season, the Los Angeles Angels, who signed Matthews to a 5 year, $50 million contract this fall, are all sort of secretly hoping that he hasn't quit the juice.

"Um, yeah, steroids are really bad," admitted Angels GM Bill Stoneman. "I guess he should stop taking them? I don't know, I really hope he doesn't go back to playing like a disposable journeyman, especially after all that money we're giving him. Hmm..."

Sabres looking for Zubrus to bolster eighth line

The Buffalo Sabres are excited about their acquisition of veteran winger Dainius Zubrus, who coach Lindy Ruff described as "A solid two-way player who should really fit in well on our eighth line."

Sabres GM Darcy Regier explained, "We already have about fifteen forwards who can score, but depth is a really important part of this league. We'll dress four lines, our fifth and sixth lines will stay in the locker room, the seventh will hang out in the parking lot, and Dainus will watch the games from his hotel room next to a telephone."

He added, "We have a window of opportinuty right now, and we don't want something like a flu outbreak or a team plane crash to derail our momentum."

Ravens swear they're done sleeping with Jamal Lewis

The Baltimore Ravens again parted ways with runningback Jamal Lewis yesterday, though numerous reports are suggesting that Baltimore may relapse and invite Lewis over before training camp starts.

"No, I'm serious this time, we're finished," coach Brian Billick kept saying repeatedly. "No, I'm not drunk. Shut up, I'm not. I'm really really serious. I'm through with Jamal, I don't care what happens to him."

Defensive Coordinator Rex Ryan said that he "Isn't buying it" about Lewis and added, "When I tried to delete Jamal's number from Brian's phone, he yanked it away and started screaming at me. Does that mean we'll see Lewis in a Ravens uniform again? I don't know, you tell me."

Headlines: Tuesday, Feb 27

Manny causes distraction by arriving in camp

Manny Ramirez showed up to Red Sox training camp yesterday a week earlier than expected, an act of characteristic selfishness which has left his teammates uneasy and the coaching staff baffled.

"He said he wouldn't be here til next week," said bench coach Brad Mills, "then he strolls in out of nowhere, ready to start getting in shape for the season. We don't have a locker ready for him, we're scrambling to fit him into the drills - it's just another case of Manny putting himself before the team."

Thrashers acquire Tkachuk for old, fat Cup run

The Atlanta Thrashers acquired veteran forward Keith Tkachuk from the St. Louis Blues for a prospect and two draft picks, giving GM Don Waddell what he called "the missing piece to our really old, overweight puzzle."

Waddell added, "The playoffs are a long and grueling endeavor, and players tend to lose massive amounts of water weight. Now that we've got Keith 'The Camel' on our side, I think we're ready to go the distance."

Bills looking to trade "irritatingly productive" McGahee

Buffalo Bills coach Dick Jauron publicly stated that the team would entertain offers for Willis McGahee, the frustratingly consistent runningback whose usefulness and relative health do not appear to fit into the Bills' plans for 2007.

"Our team is built for inconsistency, " Jauron said. "We want a whole team capable of getting shut out any given week - this way, we can lure teams into a false sense of security and catch them off guard the next week. Willis just hasn't really worked out as we envisioned, especially with him being constantly healthy, and I believe it's time for us to part ways."

Headlines: Thursday, Feb 22

Pain Wayde - Dwayne Wade dislocated his shoulder in the Heat's 112-102 loss to Houston last night. Houston coach Jeff Van Gundy commented, "With Wade and Steve Nash down, we're just one Tim Duncan injury, one Dirk Nowitzki injury, and one Pistons team planecrash away from having a shot this year!"

Man oh Manny - After requesting time off from Red Sox spring training to attend to his mother after surgery, Manny Ramirez is now scheduled to appear at a New Jersey car auction to promote the selling of one of his cars. Apparently, he demanded that the car be sold last year, but took it off the market in the middle of the auction.

Peyton paid ton less - Peyton Manning restructured his deal with the Colts to save the Colts more than $3 million in salary cap room this upcoming season; the Colts, confused by the move, just handed the leftover money to Marvin Harrison.

More like Women-bleton - Wimbledon announced yesterday that equal prize money will be awarded for men's and women's tournament winners this year. Tim Phillips, chairman of the All-England club, stated, "This is just another positive after-effect of the incredibly, incredibly gradual shockwave from the 1973 Battle of the Sexes."

Good moon on the rise - In the bizarre story of the week, a USC goaltender, upset with officials, pulled down his pants and rode around on his sitck slapping his butt. A crowd member who managed to film the event remarked, "Awesome, now I just need Johnny Knoxville to do some close-ups and cut in some footage of Rip Torn, and I'm pretty much done with 'Happy Gilmore 2'!"

Headlines for Monday, Feb 12

The Barber of NBC-ville - Retired runningback Tiki Barber will work as an analyst for NBC next season; Barber has already started compiling his first field piece - an evaluation of the gaping void in the New York Giants' backfield.

Reid-ing into things - Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid has taken an indefinite leave of absence from the team to attend to the recent incidents regarding his two sons. Philadelphia owner Jeffrey Lurie released an official statement from the franchise, saying "I cannot go into specifics about how Andy will handle the situation, but my guess is that the kids will probably be passing more."

Since U Benson Gone - Orioles righty Kris Benson is likely out for the season after tearing his rotator cuff; when asked how the injury occurred if Benson wasn't pitching, he replied, "Sometimes it takes my wife a while to finish when there aren't news cameras in the bedroom. Oops, did I say that? Silly me. I mean, no comment."

Nag, Nag, Nagy - The Dallas Stars acquired winger Ladislav Nagy from the Coyotes for a prospect and a 1st round pick; said Nagy, "To be honest, Phoenix wasn't really much of a hockey town, so I'm looking forward to playing in Dallas."

Put down your Dukes - The Duke men's basketball team dropped out of the top 25 this week for the first time in ten years; Coach Mike Krzyzewski explained the situation, saying "we've tried going into the tournament as sleepers in the past and it didn't really work, so this year, we're gonna try being super-dooper-babooper Rip Van Winkle sleepers!"

Headlines for Thursday, Feb 8

Cowboys Wade into coaching pool - The Dallas Cowboys have named Wade Phillips their next head coach; owner Jerry Jones explained the hiring, saying "With Dick Jauron unavailable, Wade Phillips is the best guy to have us finish exactly 8-8 next year, which we're hoping will be good for an NFC playoff spot."

USC-ya in the BCS game! - USC landed the top three players in this year's college recruitment class, vaulting their preseason ranking to an unprecedented "negative one."

Red, Red (pitching) Wine - The Cincinnati Reds signed starter Bronson Arroyo to a two-year, $25 million contract just two days after agreeing to a four-year, $36.5 million deal with righty Aaron Harang. In a related story, Aaron Harang is now on the trading block.

Sour sixteen - The Boston Celtics lost their 16th straight game last night, a new franchise record. Coach Doc Rivers wasn't fazed, saying "This is the NBA - All that matters is how you play in the playoffs."

Italian soccer fans get the boot - In a bizarre story, with only six Italian soccer stadiums meeting security requirements, games in all other stadiums will be required to be played with no spectators. MLS Commissioner Don Garber adressed the outraged Italians, saying "We play all of our games in empty stadiums, it's not so bad once you get used to it."

Headlines for Wednesday, January 31

Liberty Bonds - Barry Bonds and the Giants are still unclear about the "right to terminate" provision in the outfielder's latest contract; Bonds is blaming the vague wording on teammates Pedro Feliz and Steve Kline.

All-Star Rumble in the Bronx - Yankee Stadium is set to host MLB's All-Star Game in 2008, the final year of the stadium's operation. Bud Selig called the stadium "a natural fit, because by 2008 the AL All-Stars will just be the Yankees with Vlad Guererro swapped in for Andy Phillips."

Tank-ful - Bears D-lineman Tank Johnson is claiming to have a new perspective on life after his recent arrest, claiming "It showed me that you've got to be more careful with who you surround yourself with and some of the time you spend off the field." He added, "For example, I was hanging out with a lot of guns."

Missing Stu - Stu Inman, former player personnel director of the Portland Trailblazers, passed away at the age of 80; inspired Blazers got together to proclaim, "we're gonna win 35 games for Stu!"

General Marry-er - Red Sox GM Theo Epstein was recently married at a quiet ceremony at the Nathan's hot dog stand on Coney Island. He chose Nathan's after his first three choices, Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter's Upper East Side Apartment, and Blondie's Sports Bar during a Yankee playoff game were unavailable.

Headlines for Friday, Jan 26

Anotha' Final on the Barbie - Fernando Gonzalez will meet Roger Federer in the Australian Open Final on Sunday; hype is already building to see if Federer can capture another Grand Slam title, or if maybe he'll tear his ACL or something.

Bear-ied in Vegas - The Bears remain 7 point underdogs to the Colts in the Superbowl, but coach Lovie Smith has been quick to remind people, "Remember, the Falcons were 13 point underdogs to the Broncos, and - oh shit."

Just Dollars Drew - The Red Sox and J.D. Drew finally agreed to a 5 year, $70 million contract; said GM Theo Epstein, "We had some disagreements, but I can't imagine that any more problems with Drew will come up ever again, ever."

Weird Dream Weaver - The Mariners are close to signing righty Jeff Weaver to a one-year deal; Seattle GM Bill Bavasi admitted he's a little excited about the addition, but that he's "tired of getting the rest of the league's sloppy seconds."

Nazi normal auction - A racecar from Nazi Germany is expected to sell for upwards of $15 million at an auction; the car is a valuable rarity after Hitler's failed attempt to replace all regular automobiles (aka "Autojewbiles") with a line of supercars.

Headlines for Monday, Jan 22

Over and Dungy: Colts 38, Patriots 34 - Losing Adam Vinatieri came back to haunt New England, as he wasn't there to help stop the Colts offense or to prevent an interception on the Patriots' final drive; the worthless Colts have delayed their choke until at least next week, and possibly may even put it off until the 2007 season.


McSuperbowl, I'm Lovie-in' it: Bears 39, Saints 14 - The Bears stumbled across a bunch of points and advanced to their first Superbowl since the untackleable Walter Peyton Tecmo Bowl era; following the Saints' loss, the people of New Orleans will have to wait until next preseason to resume being inspired.

Tomlin can you coach me? - Vikings Defensive Coordinator Mike Tomlin was named the new coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers, making him the franchise's first African-American head coach since the time Bill Cowher wore blackface to the team's roast of Kordell Stewart.

Uts' baseball chips: just $85 million! - The Phillies signed second baseman Chase Utley to a seven-year, $85 million extension; the team made most of the money in Vegas betting that the franchise would retain Charlie Manuel as manager for another season.

Robitaille a yellow ribbon - The LA Kings raised Luc Robitaille's #20 to the rafters, right next to the jersies of Vincent Damphousse and Doug Gilmour in the special "dudes you were pretty sure were still playing" section.

Headlines for Monday, Jan 15

Patriots 24, Chargers 21 - LaDanian Tomlinson expressed resentment after some Patriots players danced on the Chargers' on-field logo, complaining "[The Patriots] made a complete mockery out of our little curvey cartoon lightning bolt from the 70s."

Bears defeat Seahawks in Overtime, 27-24 - Robbie Gould's 49-yard game-winning field goal instantly tied him with Joe Jurevicious as Penn State's all-time most successful NFL prospect.

Wise Huntin' - The Arizona Cardinals named Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Wisenhunt head coach Sunday; said Wisenhunt, "We already have all the tools in place to dominate fantasy football next season."

Still an Overjay - Lyle Overbay signed a 4 year, $24 million deal to remain with the Blue Jays; on the value of the contract, a humble Overbay remarked, "I figure I'm mathematically about half as good as Gary Matthews Jr, so the deal seemed fair."

NBA OK with MLK - The Wizards defeated the Jazz 114-111 on a special Martin Luther King Day engagement; at halftime, guests Mike Bibby and Jason Kidd delivered speeches about the importance of the holiday to their somewhat black heritage.

Headlines for Thursday, Jan 4

Pour some sugar on them - LSU defeated Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl, 41-14, marking Notre Dame's ninth straight bowl game loss. Afterwards, Charlie Weis pleaded with voters to start Notre Dame ranked at negative eight next season so that when they inevitably drop ten spots, they'll still have the opportunity to get beaten in the BCS title game.

MVP Control To Major Tomlinson - LaDainian Tomlinson's 31-touchdown season earned him NFL MVP honors, taking 44 of the 50 first place votes; the other six votes came from writers sarcastically voting for the Colts' rush defense.

Tanks for the memories, police - Police raided the home of Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, seizing 550 rounds of ammunition as well as some other items. Police have never confirmed if Tank's nickname refers to his massive stature, his obvious affection for firearms, or from the dozens of drug-filled actual tanks he keeps in his garage.

On the Lemieux-ve? - Mario Lemieux and Penguins owners met with Kansas City officials about a potential Penguins relocation, though the meeting quickly devolved into a "yo momma's so fat" rap-off about the cities' respective baseball franchises.

Handy Gone-son? - The Yankees are talking to several teams about a potential Randy Johnson trade, hopefully for Scott Brosius or Jimmy Leyritz or Paul O'Neil or someone who can play some fuckin' baseball, am I right??

Headlines for Wednesday, January 3

Saban' the best for last - Nick Saban has reportedly accepted an 8 year, $32 million deal with Alabama, which should give him tremendous leverage towards an even more prestigious job two years from now.

More like Late Staying-out University - After breaking the team curfew, two LSU football players will be suspended for at least the first quarter of the Sugar Bowl, though the punishment might be more severe if the team has a decent lead after the first quarter.

Not Riled up - Pat Riley has taken a leave of absence from the Miami Heat for reasons which he described as "it's the regular season".

Young love - Titans QB Vince Young wins the NFL's Offensive Rookie of the Year honors in a dramatic last-minute voting comeback.

Playing it safety - In another genius move by Jets coach Eric Mangini, Patriots safety Rodney Harrison has suffered an MCL sprain and will not play this weekend.

Headlines for Wednesday, November 8th

Heath Shuler elected to House of Representatives - In a tight N.C. race, Shuler edged out incumbent Danny Wuerffel as well as Independents Ryan Leaf and Akili Smith.

Hornets top Warriors 97-93, off to franchise-best 4-0 start - In a related story, the Starter Jacket Company has pulled out of bankruptcy.

Chiefs name Damon Huard starting QB - Herman Edwards explained his choice, saying "We're just not sure if Trent Green's healthy enough to throw really long interceptions."

Rangers name A's 3rd base coach Ron Washington manager - Owner Jon Daniels said, "This guy's a real winner, which hopefully carries over to pitching because he's going to be our #2 starter too."

MLB All-Stars sweep 5-game series vs. Japan - The series set a record low on Japanese television, since neither the Yankees nor Red Sox were playing.

Headlines for Thursday, November 2nd

Pens' Malkin becomes first to score in first 6 NHL games since 1918 - Malkin can now be mentioned in the same breath as "Unforgettable" Joe Malone, "Hilarious Olde Timey Guy" Newsy Lalonde, and "Unforgettable Hilarious Olde Timey Guy" Cy Denneny.

Mets reliever Guillermo Mota suspended 50 games for steroid use - Suspicions confirmed after Mota's 4.53 ERA, 48 homer, 135 RBI season.

Michigan State to fire football coach John L. Smith - Said athletic director Ron Mason, "We want a new direction for the program. And to stop really, really, really sucking every year."

Lakers win without Kobe, improve to 2-0 - Coach Phil Jackson explains, "I guess Chris Mihm scored some points or something."

China to possibly host MLB games in '07 - Said Commissioner Bud Selig, "We figure, finding an audience won't be difficult, since every building in that country has at least 70,000 people in it at any given time already."

Headlines for Tuesday, October 17

Dennis Green blows up after Cardinals' collapse - ESPN PAs hurredly ready Bobby Knight footage for inevitable "Memorable Coach Blowups" feature


Coker retains job after Miami brawl - However, in the confusing fallout from the incident, the Oakland A's accidentally fire their manager

Fassel Fired as Ravens Offensive Coordinator - Ravens' offensive playbook revealed to be a scrapbook of newspaper coupons and Dilbert cartoons

Packers WR Robinson suspended one year for substance abuse - Packers coach Mike McCarthy chuckles, "uh-oh, we might miss the playoffs now!"

Mets and Cardinals meet in NLCS Game Four tonight - With the team still playing, some Cardinals players are reportedly upset over having to cancel their vacation plans

Headlines for Tuesday, September 5th

Florida State defeats Miami 13-10 - Teams combine for 3 yards of total rushing offense in a game that eerily approximated Mike Martz' wet dream.

Terrell Owens announces he's "ready to go" - ESPN assumes he probably meant "ready to go cause more trouble and all my teammates are motherfuckers"

Tiger Woods comes from behind on final day to win Deutchse Bank - Triumphant, Teary-eyed Woods proclaims, "This one is for this guy who watched our dog when we were away one time and the dog got sick but he made the effort to take him to the vet which was cool but he ended up being fine!"

Nats' Ortiz loses no hitter in ninth; homers at the plate - GM Jim Bowden explained, "This is how I envisioned our team winning games this year, but, quite frankly, these no-hitters-and-homering-also have been distressingly few and far between"

Toronto Argonauts' Damon Allen breaks Warren Moon's all-time CFL passing record - However, the CFL records for wickets, ballyhoos, and shamadams remain untouched

Headlines for Thursday, August 24

Lelie to Falcons, Duckett to Redskins in three-team deal - Lelie plans to go by the nickname "Algie" and run four-yard routes in the hopes he'll actually get some passes thrown to him

Sprinter Gatlin suspended eight years for two failed doping tests - Penalty a sharp increase over the previous record doping ban, forty-five minutes in 1989

Padres complete sweep of Dodgers, within 1 of West lead - "Christ, they're not making the playoffs again, are they?" responded the entire National League

Phillies Win Fifth Straight - An even-keeled Charlie Manuel proclaimed "This is right where we want to be - exactly two games out of a playoff spot."

Sports Illustrated names Hoover, Alabama #1 high school football team in nation - However, the magazine is still not sure what we're supposed to do with that information

Headlines for Tuesday, August 22

Yankees sweep 5-game series at Fenway - Red Sox respond by sheepishly extending Josh Beckett's contract another 3 years for $45 million

Jays Manager Gibbons bloodied in fight with pitcher Lilly - Toronto manager Jay Gibbons got into a shouting match with Ted Lilly after he refused to come out of a game, then Gibbons was seen with a bloody nose after they scuffled in the clubhouse; a Jays team spokesman commented, "Wow, we were interesting for a second! Hey, remember when we got Lyle Overbay?"

Glavine won't require surgery, could return soon - Doctors admit they never actually checked Glavine's health, they just heard his name and assumed his career had to be close to over

Phils' Rowand breaks ankle, will miss 4-6 weeks - Philly fans decide they like Rowand even more now, saying "Bobby Abreu never would have done whatever Rowand did to end up with a broken ankle"

OWENS / PARCELLS FEUD OF THE CENTURY UPDATE - Owens sat out the Cowboys' second preseason game with an injured hamstring, and Parcells proceeded to coach the team as normal. Despite no evidence or words to support it, one can only imagine that this situation is about to absolutely explode out of control.

Headlines for Friday, August 18

Headline of the Day - For Freddy Sanchez's pursuit of the batting title

Most Important Story - Ohio TE punches Police Horse

Junior Seau may sign with Patriots - Said Seau, "I'm prepared to be selfless and do whatever's best for the team, so I can finally get my goddamn Superbowl ring"

Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens out 6 weeks with knee injury - Seahawks officials expect him to be back on the field dropping crucial passes by Week 3, if not sooner

Maurice Clarett found to have ties to alleged Israeli mobster - Police still unsure what role Clarett played in Hurricane Katrina and September 11th