Headlines: Tuesday, Feb 27

Manny causes distraction by arriving in camp

Manny Ramirez showed up to Red Sox training camp yesterday a week earlier than expected, an act of characteristic selfishness which has left his teammates uneasy and the coaching staff baffled.

"He said he wouldn't be here til next week," said bench coach Brad Mills, "then he strolls in out of nowhere, ready to start getting in shape for the season. We don't have a locker ready for him, we're scrambling to fit him into the drills - it's just another case of Manny putting himself before the team."

Thrashers acquire Tkachuk for old, fat Cup run

The Atlanta Thrashers acquired veteran forward Keith Tkachuk from the St. Louis Blues for a prospect and two draft picks, giving GM Don Waddell what he called "the missing piece to our really old, overweight puzzle."

Waddell added, "The playoffs are a long and grueling endeavor, and players tend to lose massive amounts of water weight. Now that we've got Keith 'The Camel' on our side, I think we're ready to go the distance."

Bills looking to trade "irritatingly productive" McGahee

Buffalo Bills coach Dick Jauron publicly stated that the team would entertain offers for Willis McGahee, the frustratingly consistent runningback whose usefulness and relative health do not appear to fit into the Bills' plans for 2007.

"Our team is built for inconsistency, " Jauron said. "We want a whole team capable of getting shut out any given week - this way, we can lure teams into a false sense of security and catch them off guard the next week. Willis just hasn't really worked out as we envisioned, especially with him being constantly healthy, and I believe it's time for us to part ways."

Al Capone has no place in the NHL

Not to keep picking on my hometown Post-Gazette, but this latest column by Bob Smizik about why the Penguins don't need to trade for an enforcer got a little off track.

By 'off track,' I mean 'batshit crazy.'

On the topic of Georges Laraque's potential usefulness to an NHL team, Smizik writes:

The most famous enforcer in history never skated a shift in the NHL. Frank Nitti, known as "The Enforcer," helped Al Capone rule the street of a lawless Chicago some 70 years ago.

Um, alright. Cool. Maybe I'll Wikipedia Frank Nitti next time I'm bored at work. So how bout that hockey?

The police might not have been able to maintain order, but Nitti, legend has it, could. Nitti and men of his stripe were necessary in that era because the police often were bought off by the mob and subsequently had no power in controlling the criminal element.

Not only is this sentence way, way off topic from anything having to do with hockey, it also makes absolutely no sense. He's saying that because the police were bought off by the mob and had no power, Al Capone had to hire an enforcer to keep order? Is he saying Capone would have relied on the police to keep order in the mob world? Also, wasn't he the one buying off the police? Let's wait and see how this ties in to hockey.

Does the NHL really want the league compared to Capone's notorious Chicago? By suggesting their teams need enforcers, NHL coaches and general managers have made that a fair comparison.

As far as I'm aware, enforcers have more or less been a part of the NHL game throughout its entire modern existence, and I cannot imagine any human being with any shred of a rational ability to comprehend anything who would therefore compare the league to the Chicago mob scene of the 1920s, aside from the liquor bootlegging operation that Theo Fleury probably ran. Holy shit, NFL teams look for linebackers who hit hard?? That's exactly like the fucking Marines! By suggesting that teams need guys who hit hard, the NFL has made that a fair comparison.

The NHL is not Chicago.

Agreed. As far as I know, Chicago hasn't had an NHL team in more than a decade.

It has honest policemen. They're called referees and linesmen. It's their jobs to enforce the rules and they're good at it. They're not perfect, but they're good. Lawlessness does not reign in the NHL. Enforcers are not needed to make the participants abide by the law.

While I agree that the need for the traditional talentless enforcer has all but vanished from the NHL these past two seasons, surely there's not a GM or a hockey fan in the world who doesn't see the benefit to acquiring a notorious tough guy, especially when a Cup run consists of four best-of-seven series within which rivalries develop, vicious physical play occurs, and momentum is constantly thrown back and forth. Rather than concede some kind of rational acknowledgement towards this fact, Smizik spins off on this quarter-baked analogy to Al Capone, then ties it into the NHL by saying referees are honest policemen and therefore, somehow, that means teams don't need guys who can hit, fight, and retaliate.

If, say, Joey Porter and Troy Polamalu do not know how to skate, athletes of their ability easily could be taught. Once they can skate in a reasonable fashion, suit them up. If NHL players are going to blink at the thought of facing retaliation from Laraque, they'll be cowering at the prospect of Porter coming after them.

STEEEEELERSSSSSS!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!! WOOO!!! WOOO!!! HERE WE GO STEELERS, HERE WE GO!!! WOOO!!! WOOO!!!

Now that's an analogy I can understand! Smizik is so right! Screw Laraque, let's fucking TEACH JOEY PORTER HOW TO SKATE!!! Why has no NHL team ever thought of that??? If Smizik just said this right at the top, I would have understood his point immediately, it could have been a three-sentence column!

It's too stupid to comprehend.

I could not agree more, Mr. Smizik. Could not agree more.

Butt Daredevils?

Really, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette? Of all the typos you could have made, you actually chose the one that resulted in the word 'Butt'?

Sounds like the online editor was none too happy about his beloved Xplosion losing. And no, the fact that the city in Montana is pretty much 90% of the way to being the word 'butt' anyway is no excuse.

EDIT: The typo has been corrected. Apparently, instead of re-reading their own submissions for mistakes, the Post-Gazette just reads Teapot Dome Scandal constantly figuring that I'll let them know when they have accidentally typed the word 'butt'.

Jack Wilson & Mike Skinner: Goofy lookin' look-alikes

Ever notice how closely deformed Pirates shortstop Jack Wilson resembles British rapper Mike Skinner from The Streets? I know I have, and I imagine most fans of both the Pirates and superhyped British garagey rap (i.e., 80% of the US population) have thought this too. But the similarities are more than weirdly-mangled-skin deep. Consider:

1 - Both have become more popular in the past two years despite shoddier production.

2 - Both have bounced back strongly from public relationship issues; Skinner had a falling out with his fictional girlfriend on the "Grand Don't Come For Free" album, just as Wilson was constantly made fun of by Brian Giles and Jason Kendall.

3 - Both took pot-shots at fellow teammates; Wilson at second baseman Jose Castillo, Skinner at the American music press on the song "Two Nations."

4 - Both rarely ever take walks; Wilson drew just 33 walks last season in 580 plate appearances, only slightly higher than Mike Skinner's zero.

5 - I used to be big fans of both, but now if either one got traded to the Blue Jays, I wouldn't really feel so bad.

Headlines: Thursday, Feb 22

Pain Wayde - Dwayne Wade dislocated his shoulder in the Heat's 112-102 loss to Houston last night. Houston coach Jeff Van Gundy commented, "With Wade and Steve Nash down, we're just one Tim Duncan injury, one Dirk Nowitzki injury, and one Pistons team planecrash away from having a shot this year!"

Man oh Manny - After requesting time off from Red Sox spring training to attend to his mother after surgery, Manny Ramirez is now scheduled to appear at a New Jersey car auction to promote the selling of one of his cars. Apparently, he demanded that the car be sold last year, but took it off the market in the middle of the auction.

Peyton paid ton less - Peyton Manning restructured his deal with the Colts to save the Colts more than $3 million in salary cap room this upcoming season; the Colts, confused by the move, just handed the leftover money to Marvin Harrison.

More like Women-bleton - Wimbledon announced yesterday that equal prize money will be awarded for men's and women's tournament winners this year. Tim Phillips, chairman of the All-England club, stated, "This is just another positive after-effect of the incredibly, incredibly gradual shockwave from the 1973 Battle of the Sexes."

Good moon on the rise - In the bizarre story of the week, a USC goaltender, upset with officials, pulled down his pants and rode around on his sitck slapping his butt. A crowd member who managed to film the event remarked, "Awesome, now I just need Johnny Knoxville to do some close-ups and cut in some footage of Rip Torn, and I'm pretty much done with 'Happy Gilmore 2'!"

EXCLUSIVE: Jeter lashes out!

Derek Jeter unleashed a verbal tirade at the media yesterday condemning Alex Rodriguez about everything from his effort on the field, their clubhouse relationship, and his general failure as a human being.

Jeter made his frustration with Rodriguez abundantly clear, saying, "This is our fourth year to be playing together. It's annoying.... Everyone...they know what our relationship is...they see us on the field....We're at opposite ends of the bench...it's a story[!]"

Jeter went on to bash Rodriguez's off-the-field demeanor and its negative impact on the Yankees, saying "What we do away from the field, how much time we spend together, really makes...difference when we're playing."

Jeter then proceeded to candidly attack Rodriguez, saying, in a noticably frustrated tone, "I don't see the relevance of [Alex]. [Alex] has no bearing on us playing baseball. From Day One I've said [sarcastically] I support Alex. I...think it's my job to tell fans to boo [Alex] or not to [boo Jason Giambi]."

He added, "[Also Alex can't ever hit in the clutch ever.]"

While the Yankees have yet to issue a formal comment on this latest escalation of the Jeter-Rodriguez Feud of the Century, sources believe that the team is describing this situation as "No [, this is a] big deal [!]"

Too Many Cooks?




All I have to say about this column from the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette is, man, that sure is the word 'Cook' a lot of times.

The 10 Biggest Questions entering Spring Training:

1. How surprised will the Cubs act when Mark Prior gets injured?

In past years, the Cubs franchise has gone into spring training giddy at the prospects of having a healthy Mark Prior anchoring their unstable rotation, and each year, Prior's inevitable injuries have deflated the Cubs' preseason enthusiasm. This year, the Cubs brought in Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, and Wade Miller so that when Prior gets hurt, they can act like they don't give a shit instead of crying over his infinitely receding return dates.

2. Can Jim Leyland string together enough soft-spoken mumbles to re-motivate the Tigers?

Leyland, the best motivator in the game, managed to muster enough barely audible, vaguely displeased sounding quips to fire up the young Tigers all the way into the World Series last year. Does he have any sentences with a random bleep in the middle where a swear word could not have possibly belonged left in him?

3. What will J.D. Drew do to merit having a battery whipped at him?

Drew's arrival in Boston should take some press heat off Manny Ramirez, but it is yet to be seen what specifically Drew will do to get deservedly bashed by Red Sox fans. The Boston Herald has begun compiling a list of potential pun headlines involving "Drew," "battery," and an assortment of offenses ranging from calling out his teammates to first degree manslaughter, but which headline they end up needing will be one of the hottest storylines of the spring.

4. Can the Mets successfully implement a "pitcherless offense?"

The Mets' plan to start nine position players in a game may be a departure from conventional wisdom, but in the long term, phasing out the contracts of Pedro Martinez and Tom Glavine will give the Mets the flexibility to add Manny Ramirez and/or Miguel Tejada to the lineup to play Rover. Keep an eye on the position battle to see which Met will get to set the ball on the tee for the opposing team; manager Willie Randolph calls it "a wide open field... but it'll probably be like Endy Chavez or something."

5. Will Gil Meche win 8 games or 9?

The Royals signed Meche to a monstrous five year, $55 million deal this offseason, and while it's a given that his ERA is going to end up somewhere in the 5.10 - 5.30 range once he moves out of Safeco, it is yet to be determined if the Royals can muster enough luck and happenstance to have Meche end up with eight wins, or if they can get on a roll and make it nine. The entire Games Behind column of the AL Central hangs in the balance.

6. Who will win the Giants' "death pool"?

The San Francisco players have a pool going to see which one of the greying fogies on the team will be the first to die this season between Bonds, Rich Aurilia, Omar Vizquel, Mark Sweeney, and Ray Durham. It'll be interesting to see not only who dies, but how much the resulting pool victory improves the morale of the winning player.

7. Who are the Seattle Mariners?

Seriously, they're still a team, right? What've they been up to?

8. Can the Yankees convince A-Rod to stop playing baseball?

Last year, the Yankees managed to survive the burden of Alex Rodriguez's .290/35/121 performance during the regular season, but it finally got to them in the playoffs. Can they mend broken fences this offseason and convince A-Rod to get traded or to quit baseball altogether?

9. Can these young Braves get back to choking like the old Braves?

A rash of injuries over the Braves last season prevented them from achieving their annual first round playoff choke; this year, with a revamped bullpen and maturing talents all over the diamond, the Braves are poised to make a leap forward, but can these young players produce the mundane regular season consistency giving way to abrupt playoff exits like the Braves teams of old?

10. Can anyone beat the Cardinals?

Nope. They're pretty much invincible.

Chargers GM realizes he only fired Schottenheimer in dream, fires Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers general manager A.J. Smith came to the shocking but fortunate realization yesterday that he only had a dream about firing coach Marty Schottenheimer after the Chargers' playoff elimination in January, but that the firing never actually occurred. After calling various San Diego area newspapers to confirm that he never actually fired Schottenheimer, Smith then gathered his wits and called Schottenheimer to fire him.

"I was watching something on Sportscenter about Wade Phillips going to the Cowboys," Smith said, "and they said something about 'can Marty keep this team together without his coordinators,' and I laughed, figuring they'd made a mistake. Then they showed this graphic with all the new coaches this year and had Cam Cameron coaching Miami, and I was like, wait, I definitely remember hiring him to replace Marty, what the hell's going on?"

Smith went on to describe the wave of terror that shot through him when it dawned on him that he never actually fired Schottenheimer, saying "I couldn't believe it. I was positive I fired the guy. Obviously I was going to, we were feuding all season, then he choked again in the playoffs like that - what was I gonna do, tell him 'nice try slugger' and give him an extension? How come no one said anything to me? Were they all trying to be nice?"

Smith, still shaken from the events of yesterday evening, then recalled the dream he had in which he fired Schottenheimer.

"It was so real," he said. "Right after the Patriots loss, I said 'Marty, office, now!' and he came in and I pretended to be all calm and accepting then I started choking him and was like 'how does it feel??? This is what you've done to every franchise you've ever worked for!!!' and he was crying and apologizing and then Cam Cameron - or I guess it was Cam Cameron, it was kind of this dude I knew in the dream but don't really know in real life, you know? - he stabbed Marty in the back and then we hung him from the rafters of my high school gym."

Smith paused.

"I really wish that had happened," he added. "The important thing is, he's fired now, and we can move on. Man, that would have been an awkward training camp."

ESPNASCAR

I'd just like to point out that right now, ESPN and ESPN2 are both showing auto racing.

1. Since when does ESPN play the same sport on both stations at the same time, let alone goddamn NASCAR?

2. Why isn't PTI on?

3. Are there any possible circumstances that would lead someone to think to themselves, "Hmm, I guess I'll watch 'Play It to the Bone?'"