Tuesday, August 29, 2006



The name Carl Pavano may sound vaguely familiar to you. Pavano dominated what was once called the NL East on a team that hailed from Florida called the Marlins (no, they were not a Negro league team). Pavano helped the "Marlins" win their second World Series and the great people of Florida couldn't have cared less.

Pavano managed to briefly date Alyssa Milano and win 18 games in 2004. Following Pavano's strong 2004 season, the Yankees quickly signed him. They weren't deterred by the fact that within his seven seasons as a starter, he had only posted two winning seasons, nor were they concerned with his injury plagued arm. Because come on, pitching is 95% mental, arms aren't important, just ask Jim Abbott.

Luckily, Pavano was worth every cent of his 4 year, $40 million contract. Since joining the Yankees in 2005, Pavano has pitched 100 innings and went 4-6 with a 4.77 ERA last year.

Pavano can usually be found walking under a ladder while smashing mirrors and spilling salt. Carl Pavano also enjoys opening umbrellas indoors and owns 80 black cats, which he has trained to walk in his path as often as possible. It was also recently revealed that Pavano helped Harold Carter discover King Tut's tomb and carries the pharoah's curse (The Yankees had full knowledge of this but still insisted on offering the contract)

Pavano saw a banshee last fall and admits to seeing spectres of death on a daily basis. He is currently playing a chess game with the Grim Reaper, which he expects to lose sometime within the next 5 years.

"With all these injuries, its really a matter of time. No way I live to see 40," Pavano said in a recent conversation with Brian Cashman.

UPDATE: Pavano crashed his car and sustained broken ribs. He neglected to tell Yankees management until yesterday, hoping his amazing ability to not be healthy had finally reversed. He still remains the exact opposite of Wolverine.

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