Headlines for Tuesday, September 5th

Florida State defeats Miami 13-10 - Teams combine for 3 yards of total rushing offense in a game that eerily approximated Mike Martz' wet dream.

Terrell Owens announces he's "ready to go" - ESPN assumes he probably meant "ready to go cause more trouble and all my teammates are motherfuckers"

Tiger Woods comes from behind on final day to win Deutchse Bank - Triumphant, Teary-eyed Woods proclaims, "This one is for this guy who watched our dog when we were away one time and the dog got sick but he made the effort to take him to the vet which was cool but he ended up being fine!"

Nats' Ortiz loses no hitter in ninth; homers at the plate - GM Jim Bowden explained, "This is how I envisioned our team winning games this year, but, quite frankly, these no-hitters-and-homering-also have been distressingly few and far between"

Toronto Argonauts' Damon Allen breaks Warren Moon's all-time CFL passing record - However, the CFL records for wickets, ballyhoos, and shamadams remain untouched