No one's going to win the Superbowl this year!

And here's why!

AFC

Indianapolis Colts - Hypothetical question: is Indy's rush defense so bad that they wouldn't even be able to stop their own rushing offense? As long as they got Manning, though, they're Super Bowl contenders, provided their entire playoff run consists of regular season games.

San Diego Chargers - Marty Schottenheimer in the playoffs? The Chargers are a slam dunk! A slam dunk late in the game in NBA Jam when you're leading and the computer cheats and manages to block everything, that is.

New England Patriots - After 2004, Bill Belichick's son double dared him to try to win a Superbowl without Deion Branch, David Givens, Willie McGinest, Ty Law, and Adam Vinatieri, but didn't actually expect he'd give it a try.

Baltimore Ravens - Their strategy of getting two defensive/special teams touchdowns a game and kicking a late field goal to beat sub-.500 teams may or may not hold up come playoff time, but we'll see. Also, Steve McNair is a leader, so watch out for that.

Denver Broncos - The first round of the playoffs would mark Jay Cutler's sixth career NFL start. I don't know offhand how many rookie quarterbacks have won three playoff road games in a season, but it's probably a ton.

Kansas City Chiefs - Getting Trent Green back would be an enormous help if instead of a quarterback, he was a defensive end, an outside linebacker and multiple defensivebacks.

Cincinnati Bengals - Their defense should be well-rested after taking the first 10 games of the season off, but their "Carson Palmer not tearing his ankle" offensive scheme was exposed in the playoffs last year, so they're probably in trouble.

New York Jets - Jets? More like, METS! Wait, they were good last year. More like, METS WHEN MO VAUGHN WAS THERE! Take that.

NFC

Chicago Bears - I'm not crowning their ass yet either, Dennis Green; if Rex's QB rating was a hole of golf, he'd be hitting eagles. The Bears winning the Superbowl with Grossman would be worse than Julia Roberts winning an Oscar. And I mean for The Mexican.

Seattle Seahawks - If this were the BCS, the NFC West and NFC North wouldn't be allowed to send a representative to the playoffs. Hasselbeck will forget that Deion Branch is his teammate and accidentally throw to Jerramy Stevens every down for the next four games and the Seahawks will lose out.

Dallas Cowboys - Romo! Romo! Romo! You seen this kid? He's the perfect human being! He's the fifth element! He can blow himself! But is the Tuna's golden little tuna going to stay solid white albacore or turn into that gross Chunk Lite in oil? Lil' Penis Face Gramatica will kill them.

New Orleans Saints - Drew Brees has transformed New Orleans into the #1 ranked offense in the NFL! Too bad they have to play defense and Mark Simoneau is their starting MLB, and their best run stopper Hollis Thomas didn't realize there are steroids in glazed donuts.

Giants/Eagles/Panthers/Falcons - This NFC Wildcard race is like another Austin Powers movie. It might be OK but who gives a shit?