LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE:

CARL PAVANO

The name Carl Pavano may sound vaguely familiar to you. Pavano dominated what was once called the NL East on a team that hailed from Florida called the Marlins (no, they were not a Negro league team). Pavano helped the "Marlins" win their second World Series and the great people of Florida couldn't have cared less.

Pavano managed to briefly date Alyssa Milano and win 18 games in 2004. Following Pavano's strong 2004 season, the Yankees quickly signed him. They weren't deterred by the fact that within his seven seasons as a starter, he had only posted two winning seasons, nor were they concerned with his injury plagued arm. Because come on, pitching is 95% mental, arms aren't important, just ask Jim Abbott.

Luckily, Pavano was worth every cent of his 4 year, $40 million contract. Since joining the Yankees in 2005, Pavano has pitched 100 innings and went 4-6 with a 4.77 ERA last year.

Pavano can usually be found walking under a ladder while smashing mirrors and spilling salt. Carl Pavano also enjoys opening umbrellas indoors and owns 80 black cats, which he has trained to walk in his path as often as possible. It was also recently revealed that Pavano helped Harold Carter discover King Tut's tomb and carries the pharoah's curse (The Yankees had full knowledge of this but still insisted on offering the contract)

Pavano saw a banshee last fall and admits to seeing spectres of death on a daily basis. He is currently playing a chess game with the Grim Reaper, which he expects to lose sometime within the next 5 years.

"With all these injuries, its really a matter of time. No way I live to see 40," Pavano said in a recent conversation with Brian Cashman.

UPDATE: Pavano crashed his car and sustained broken ribs. He neglected to tell Yankees management until yesterday, hoping his amazing ability to not be healthy had finally reversed. He still remains the exact opposite of Wolverine.

Belichick maintains low-ball offer on wife's child support
The Assiciated Press

Notoriously stringent Pats' coach Bill Belichick continues to refuse to budge in negotiations over his wife's child support.

Entering the last year of her current 3 year, $3,000-a-month deal, Debbie Belichick is seeking long-term financial security for the seperated couple's three children, though Mr. Belichick's unwillingness to negotiate and Debbie's lack of leverage has brought the situation to a precarious impasse.

"The Redskins' coaches' wives are making fifteen, twenty thousand a month," Ms. Belichick said. "I understand this is a business, but I feel I've more than proven myself as a mother, and I just feel I'm entitled to fair compensation."

In accordance with family policy, Mr. Belichick refused to comment on the details of the situation, though the Patriots have given Ms. Belichick permission to date other men.

"I don't want it to have to come to that," Ms. Belichick reiterated, "but if things don't improve, I may decide to show up to Patriots training camp."

INSIDE THE HEATSTROKE:
NFL Training Camp Report Part 2 - QB Profiles

Carson Palmer, Cin - Great arm, commanding pocket presence and a budding leadership ability


Michael Vick, Atl - Tremendously athletic; terrific breakway speed and scrambling ability


Drew Bledsoe, Dal - Solid leader whose intangibles and leadership should benefit the young Cowboys


Byron Leftwich, Jax - Posseses fantastic athletic qualities, though he needs to step up and get some intangibles


Brett Favre, GB - Competitive gunslinger whose gutsy passes provide veteran leadership to everyone around him


Aaron Brooks, Oak - Makes too many stupid passes, but a gifted athlete nonetheless



David Carr, Hou - Needs to bounce back from tough '05 and get back to being the leader of this franchise


Donovan McNabb, Phi - Needs to bounce back from rough, unathletic '05 and show that he can still athletically be an athlete


Brad Johnson, Min - Superbowl veteran whose veteran leadership skills will intangibly provide leadership


Steve McNair, Bal - Veteran of being athletic; good veteran speed and a real veteran scrambling ability


Mark Brunell, Was - Leader.



Daunte Culpepper, Mia - Athletic.



Matt Leinart, Ari - PAC-10 standout with terrific leadership ability; look for him to develop into this team's young leader next year and eventually grow into being a veteran leader


Vince Young, Ten - College standout with a high ceiling for athleticism; should develop into a franchise athlete with skills reflective of athleticism for years to come

Headlines for Thursday, August 24

Lelie to Falcons, Duckett to Redskins in three-team deal - Lelie plans to go by the nickname "Algie" and run four-yard routes in the hopes he'll actually get some passes thrown to him

Sprinter Gatlin suspended eight years for two failed doping tests - Penalty a sharp increase over the previous record doping ban, forty-five minutes in 1989

Padres complete sweep of Dodgers, within 1 of West lead - "Christ, they're not making the playoffs again, are they?" responded the entire National League

Phillies Win Fifth Straight - An even-keeled Charlie Manuel proclaimed "This is right where we want to be - exactly two games out of a playoff spot."

Sports Illustrated names Hoover, Alabama #1 high school football team in nation - However, the magazine is still not sure what we're supposed to do with that information

BREAKING NEWS -
Diamondbacks acquire $11 million in payroll flexibility from Mets for stretch run
The Associated Press

6:50 p.m. ET - The Arizona Diamondbacks have officially acquired $11 million in payroll flexibility from the Mets in a last-ditch effort to help their run at the NL West Title. The Mets picked up a left-handed-hitting outfielder named Shawn Green in the deal.

Arizona GM Josh Byrnes released this statement:

"We believe that moving Shawn Green's contract was the final piece we need to make a run at the division. All season, our roster has been severely lacking the presence of eleven million dollar bills, so we're hoping this is the move that finally puts us over the top and gets us into the playoffs."

With the Mets insurmountably ahead in the NL East, the team decided to make a move for the future.

Said Mets GM Omar Minaya, "Granted, we'd love to have that $11 million on our club for the playoffs, but we have a logjam at the Payroll position, and believe this move is in the best long-term interests of the franchise. In return for the money, we've picked up a not-solid, not-young bat who we figure will only get worse over the next couple seasons."

The $11 million dollars could not be reached for comment.

Headlines for Tuesday, August 22

Yankees sweep 5-game series at Fenway - Red Sox respond by sheepishly extending Josh Beckett's contract another 3 years for $45 million

Jays Manager Gibbons bloodied in fight with pitcher Lilly - Toronto manager Jay Gibbons got into a shouting match with Ted Lilly after he refused to come out of a game, then Gibbons was seen with a bloody nose after they scuffled in the clubhouse; a Jays team spokesman commented, "Wow, we were interesting for a second! Hey, remember when we got Lyle Overbay?"

Glavine won't require surgery, could return soon - Doctors admit they never actually checked Glavine's health, they just heard his name and assumed his career had to be close to over

Phils' Rowand breaks ankle, will miss 4-6 weeks - Philly fans decide they like Rowand even more now, saying "Bobby Abreu never would have done whatever Rowand did to end up with a broken ankle"

OWENS / PARCELLS FEUD OF THE CENTURY UPDATE - Owens sat out the Cowboys' second preseason game with an injured hamstring, and Parcells proceeded to coach the team as normal. Despite no evidence or words to support it, one can only imagine that this situation is about to absolutely explode out of control.

This is an actual opening line from an actual, legitimate Pittsburgh newspaper:

Big Ben Roethlisberger pulled a Little Jack Horner last night. He put in his injured right thumb, pulled out a plum of a drive and showed again, "What a good quarterback am I!"

Here it is (rest of article is completely normal)

Headlines for Friday, August 18

Headline of the Day - For Freddy Sanchez's pursuit of the batting title

Most Important Story - Ohio TE punches Police Horse

Junior Seau may sign with Patriots - Said Seau, "I'm prepared to be selfless and do whatever's best for the team, so I can finally get my goddamn Superbowl ring"

Seahawks TE Jerramy Stevens out 6 weeks with knee injury - Seahawks officials expect him to be back on the field dropping crucial passes by Week 3, if not sooner

Maurice Clarett found to have ties to alleged Israeli mobster - Police still unsure what role Clarett played in Hurricane Katrina and September 11th

Sportscenter is on to you, Owens and Moss!

Yesterday's 6:00 Sportscenter opened with a rundown of NFL Training Camps, and the lead story, of course, was Terrell Owens returning to the field after missing most of two weeks with a tweaked hamstring (note the asinine headline, "Owens Finally Returns to Practice). In response to a question that was likely somewhere along the lines of "So, how's that feud between you and Owens that we're praying occurs soon so we have shit to write about?" Bill Parcells responded,

"Can you get a little frustrated from time to time? Yeah, but that's all. We'll see. Things will work out. ... I don't want to jeopardize the early part of the season by making a mistake here. I really don't."

Hmm...if I didn't know any better, it's like he's saying missing training camp isn't catastrophic and that, while it's upsetting that Owens is hurt, he doesn't want the receiver to risk injuring himself further before the regular season starts.

Turns out, what the Sportscenter reporter took out of it was,

"Having played in a West-Coast offense his entire career, Owens will need as much time as possible to adjust to the Cowboys' new scheme, and not having him on the field is frustrating Bill Parcells."

What an awesome idea - ESPN can still lead with the nonexistent Owens / Parcells feud if it just pretends like stuff is a big deal! How come they're not covering the Belicheck / Teddi Bruschi feud in New England, or the Gibbs / Portis meltdown in Washington? Those are also players missing training camp due to injury, and therefore, their coaches' frustration equals a feud with the player to a degree worthy of being the lead story on Sportscenter.

Next up came a short piece on the newly-signed Matt Leinart in Arizona, followed by another volcanic eruption of a feud! Apparently, Randy Moss "expressed frustration" after being taken out of the Raiders' first preseason game in the middle of a first quarter offensive possession. ESPN jumped to a passive-aggressive conclusion that this meant that Moss is feuding with Coach Art Shell, and in response to a question likely similar to the one asked of Parcells, Shell answered:

"I made a decision to take him out. There was a time frame I had for him to play and that time frame had come. It was time to get him out of there."

Translation: "We'd prefer to be careful with a notoriously injury-prone receiver who is the most important player on our team and in whom we have a significant financial investment, so I took him out early in our first of four meaningless preseason games."

ESPN, however, saw it another way; while they didn't directly come out and say anything about a Moss / Shell feud, they innocently hinted at it with "it is unclear"s and "we'll wait and see"s, plus the mere fact that an occurrence that a coach directly deemed a nonissue found itself in the opening five minutes of Sportscenter suggests that ESPN disagreed and felt that it was noteworthy.

Long story short, Owens and Moss are both cancers whose constant negative influences on their teams are so severe, sometimes even the coaches cannot perceive it, nor does any evidence exist that anything is occurring in any way. Fortunately, Sportscenter is there for us to see through the ruse.

Headlines For Thursday, August 17

Vikings Receiver Koren Robinson charged with DWI - Police claim that while he does some decent illegal things occasionally, he'll never be a #1 felon

PGA Tour Championship kicks off today - And as usual, all the pressure's square on the shoulders of David Duval

A's win 6th straight, now lead AL West by 6 1/2 games - Still, I'll bet they wish they had Mark Mulder back

Report card gives NFL "B+" in Diversity - University of Central Florida Institute of Diversity study claims "Joe Jurevicious and Brian Finneran are a start, but the league can do better"

Canseco beans four, walks five in minor league pitching debut - Probably needs more steroids!!! LOL

ESPN.COM MLB Pennant Race Chat

Earlier this afternoon, espn.com held a livechat with Baseball America's Jim Callis. I submitted as many questions as possible, all of which remain unanswered.


Kevin from Philly: Any chance anyone out there is still willing to take a chance on Maurice Clarett? The kid's got such a huge upside. I'd love to see him in a Phillies jersey this year.

Kevin from Philly: I think the Phillies should platoon Ryan Howard and Abraham Nunez at third and just let Randy Wolf play first. That guy can hit.

Kevin from Philly: Any truth to the rumor that Leyland will also ship Rogers, Verlander, Bonderman, and Ordonez down to the minors? I think the Tigers MUST do this to remain competitive.

Kevin from Philly: If the Cubs had Henry Rowengartner, do you think this year would have been different? I think he could have thrown at least 25 K's, which I think is more than both Prior and Wood have thrown in their careers.

Kevin from Philly: What do you consider more impressive, what the Twins have been able to do this year or what Billy Heywood was able to do with them back in 1994? Bare in mind Billy was a 12 year old coaching a professional baseball team AND he didn't have players like Santana and Mauer.

Kevin from Philly: Alright we're talking prospects, what do you think of this Lieberthal kid in Philly? That's a name we'll be hearing a lot from in the future.


[At this point, Callis was answering questions like "24 or Sopranos?" or "Aluminum or wooden bats in college baseball?"]


Kevin from Philly: Windbreakers or hooded sweatshirts? NFL or XFL? Window Units or Central Air Conditioning? Tecmo Bowl or Tecmo Superbowl? The Commish or The Shield? Socialism or Monarchy? Elephants or giraffes? 227 or Living Single?

Kevin from Philly: Rollie Fingers' Otto Von Bismarck or Eckersley's porn stache?


[I completely lost my mind at this point]


Kevin from Philly: Jim! Could you pick my dad up from the train station? I really want to take a nap. Thanks!


[An answer from an ESPN Live Chat remains as elusive as ever but I still prefer Central Air]

SPORTS TALK ROUNDUP

The following are actual statements that were heard on Sports Radio throughout the country.

The Dodgers are too streaky. Colorado's young pitching staff is just too good. Rockies win the series in 6.
-The Jock AM 1240 KRDO Colorado

I think the Birds go 15-1 with Hank Baskett catching at least 30 TD's. Either way, Bobby Abreu sucks.
-610WIP Philadelphia

Bill Cowher is so overrated. The Steelers should just fire him and get it over with.
-ESPN Radio 1250AM Pittsburgh

Paul LoDuca is gambling away the Amazin's postseason chances. He's gotta keep his marital issues off the field. This is almost as much of a distraction as A-Rod existing.
-WFAN New York

I don't know who Carson Palmer thinks he is. If he doesn't get on the field soon, he'll never get out of Boomer's shadow.
-1530HOMER The Sports Animal! Cincinnati

Barbaro is the most arrogant and selfish athlete in professional sports.
-610WIP Philadelphia


If you'd like to submit outlandish things you heard, please email sportstalk@teapotdomescandal.net.

College football over NFL? Don't think so, ESPN

Today on espn.com, Ivan Maisel posted 20 Reasons why college football is better than the NFL (in response to Len Pasquerelli's list to the contrary). At the risk of taking sides, I'm taking Pasquerelli's side and declaring that the side Maisel is on is wrong. On to the list:

1. Passion. The appeal of college football is rooted in the simple notion that your team represents you, your state, your alma mater, your youth. The NFL represents -- what, exactly?

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it exactly represents the city that the team is named after and located in. Here's what downtown Pittsburgh looked like during its championship parade this past February. Note the hundreds of thousands of not-passionate fans, standing around discussing their alma maters and how the place they spent four years of their lives (if they even went) is more valuable to them than their history-rich hometown team, which, by the way, has a waiting list for season tickets dating back to the 1980s. Point taken, Maisel.

2. 25-year-old millionaires. Speaking of which, college football has none. What the game does have, instead, is humility. You want the bling and the talk? Have at it. We'll stick with guys who are still happy to get their names in the paper.

Again, great point, those 25-year-olds in the NFL are assholes for accepting the millions of dollars offered to the select few of them good enough to play at that level. Anyone who went to college knows that all college players are humble; my sophomore year at Penn State, I recall a mob of people trying to get into a party that Larry Johnson was allegedly coming to, probably to congratulate him on his humility (but then he went to the NFL and got paid, thus instantly lessening his character). Granted, the coaches make six and seven figure salaries, and universities stand to make hundreds of millions of dollars off the sport (or more, if the team makes it into a game that is named after an advertiser), but it's mostly all done for pride, not money, and that is why it's a better sport.

3. Rivalries. Army-Navy. Ohio State-Michigan. Alabama-Auburn. Texas-Oklahoma. Harvard-Yale. Williams-Amherst...

I recall the nation being riveted by Williams-Amherst last year.

...How can anyone justify the depth of antipathy that Ohio State and Michigan fans have for each other when compared to the thrills of a Houston-Jacksonville game in October (or the rematch three weeks later)?

Totally seamless argument - the most famous rivalry in college football is more exciting than a poor NFL matchup. I could counterargue that Colts-Patriots is more exciting than East Carolina-UTEP, but what would that prove? His point's just too solid.

...What does the NFL offer in comparison? Dallas-Washington? How big can a rivalry be when they play it twice a year?

Shit, he's right. They do play twice. Guess they're not rivals.

4. The postseason. I'm going to let WVU coach Rich Rodriguez defend it for me. "In Division I [-A] football, every game is a playoff," Rodriguez said. "Once you lose one game, you're mostly out. If you lose two, you're definitely out...You stub your toe, you can never get back in it."

He's exactly right, you lose once in college and you're out. That's why it's fucking retarded. Or you lose one game like Auburn in 2004 and another 1-loss team gets a shot at the title and you don't. Or you could be like Tulane in 1998 and go 12-0 and finish ranked 10th, but I guess all twelve were playoff games, somehow? In the NFL, the playoff games are playoff games, which I think makes a lot of sense.

5. Bowls on TV. Of course there are too many bowls. But from Dec. 19 to Jan. 8, when there's a game on just about every day, how great is that?

Maisel here nabs a sentence from his twelve-year-old's journal to make his point, which nicely contradicts his earlier, also wrong argument; he claimed the Cowboys and Redskins playing twice a year was excessive, but having 27 bowl games which bear no impact on who wins the national title, that's better. I mean, how stupid is that?

11. More bang for your buck. All those commercials and yet the [NFL] games are shorter. What does that mean? Less football!

Right again, Maisel, NFL games are shorter - shorter than the USC-Oklahoma BCS game that lasted over four hours, which USC eeked out in a 55-19 thriller. The first half ended at goddamn 11:30 at night, and USC was up by four scores, even I turned it off. But yeah, I guess to some people football for 13 hours in two days just isn't enough.

13. Dynasties. The NFL, thanks to the salary cap, is the last bastion of socialism in the world outside of Cuba. In college football, coaches build something to last.

Oh dear lord, I don't even have the strength for the sarcasm on this one. Is he serious? Does he understand that words are for the purpose of conveying an idea and mean things? Players do move around in the NFL, that's an astutue point, but in college, EVERY TEAM'S ENTIRE FUCKING ROSTER IS LITERALLY ENTIRELY DIFFERENT EVERY FOUR YEARS.

...History demands that Michigan must win (or Nebraska or USC). What does history demand of the Carolina Panthers? An introduction.

Again, taking a selective cross-section and concluding it's the norm. What does history demand of Marshall? Or Louisiana Tech? Or Southern Miss? And sure, there's no NFL equivalent to wanting to win. Philly fans were ecstatic with the Eagles' performance last year. And what about the Jets? Their fans were fine, history just demands an introduction from them (what the fuck does that even mean? Does he get paid by the reason, why didn't he just stop at five shitty ones?) I hope he doesn't conclude on some poetic dillusions of grandeur...

20. Eternal youth. It's the same reason we continue to go back to our alma maters season after season. College football reconnects you with the kid you were, when Monday morning meant only a political science class, not the resumption of the mortgage chase. That's why you go back to campus every fall.

Wow. So now he's thieving from his twelve-year-old's poetry book in desperate need of a wondrous ellipsis to blend his sports list into a "life" list. For me, the last time I went to Penn State's campus was the weekend of their spring scrimmage, the "Blue and White" Game, but I missed it because I was much more interested in trying to hook up with girls who'd be more easily impressed that I live in New York than the ones in New York. As for my PSU football memories? Sure, I'll always love college football, but nothing will replace my Saturday night ritual of setting my alarm for 12:50 to wake up and watch the next day's Steeler game, even though it reminded me of my mortgage chase and all other aspects of adulthood. And no 20 lame-ass reasons are ever going to damage that reslove in the slightest. [Was that a deep enough ending? Wha'ev.]

THEISMANN: FANTASY PREVIEW

Editor's Note: Former college and pro football star Joe Theismann has served as an analyst for Teapot Dome Scandal since 1988. He also owns a restaurant. Joe is a very optimistic and kind man. Its said that Joe has gotten angry only once in his entire life. Contrary to popular belief, it was not when Ricky Williams signed with the Toronto Argonauts. It was when Living Single was cancelled.

First, let me say that I'm glad you've decided to read my collumn! I'm a little better at reading a defense than spelling but I'll try my best! So you got a fantasy team and you want to make sure you're picking the right players? Well, you've come to the right place! After months of tireless research, I will provide you with the most comprehensive and accurate fantasy football analysis. Lets start with a position thats I might know a little about: Quarterback! Duh!

Quarterback

Let me just say that its amazing that anyone can make it to the NFL and succeed. These guys are all winners in my book! OK, you twisted my arm:

1. Jay Fiedler: Some might think is a bit of a gamble, but hey isn't that what fantasy is about? OK, so Fiedler only threw for 107 yards last year and he'll be backing up both Chris Simms and Brian Griese. So what?!?! Jay threw for over 3000 yards in 2001 AND he went to an Ivy League school. Jay's a class act.

2. Tim Hasselbeck: Matt's the sexy pick coming into this year but I think Tim will surprise the heck out of everyone. I'm not necessarily sure that he's signed to a team yet but expect huge things from this former Golden Eagle this year.

3. Jim Sorgi: If you're new to fantasy football, it would make sense to take Peyton. Coming from a seasoned fantasy player, let me warn you, don't fall for it. Peyton only threw for 28 touchdowns last year. Let me give you a tip: The majority of fantasy stats are scored in the final minutes of blowouts. You'll get this Sorgi kid coming in with the Colts up huge. Coach Dungee knows the most effective way to eat clock is to throw deep, often. Sorgi throws for 35 touchdowns easy. My gut has him ranked 1 above Fiedler but Jay has David Boston. You can't argue with that.

4. Rex Grossman: Word has it that Grossman has really blossomed in Ron Turner's system. We're talking high octane, pass first offense. No one can deny the fact that the Bears displayed some astonishing offensive prowess last season. This is a franchise that has been known to develop some of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game. This is Grossman's year

5. Aaron Rodgers: I wish I was as lucky as this kid. Aaron gets another year to study under the most reliable passer in the NFL. I think as soon as Brett Favre retires in the next few seasons, Rodgers might start. No guaruntees here. I gotta admit, this is a character pick. If you want a nice, clean cut young man then this is your pick.

To read Joe's full analysis, please subscribe to Teapot Dome Scandal Insider.

Sports Headlines For Tuesday, August 15

Matt Leinart signs 6-year contract with Cardinals - Leinart jokes, "I figure, we have to have a winning season sometime in the next six years, right?" prompting laughter from the crowd, followed by a piercing silence.


Pedro Martinez surrenders 6 runs, exits after 1 inning in Mets' loss - Vengeful Red Sox fans blame Willie Randolph for not taking Martinez out after 2/3 of an inning.

Dodgers win 16th out of last 17 - Phenominal hot streak has Dodgers only 3 1/2 games out of an "Actually Deserves to be in the Playoffs" Spot.

Randy Johnson strikes out 4,500th batter - Yankees celebrate by issuing "Randy - 4,500" posters with the caption "What Have You Done For Us Lately?"

Chipper belts three as Braves crush Nats - Said Jones afterwards, "If we keep playing like this, there's still plenty of time to get into the first round of the playoffs and lose in it."

INSIDE THE HEATSTROKE:
NFL Training Camp Report Part 1 - The New Coaches

With a bunch of new NFL Coaches' faces in new places, Dan breaks down what to expect this season out of the crop of first-year NFL coaches

Herman Edwards, Chiefs - A solid hire by the Chiefs, Edwards should bring his propensity for firing up defenses and preaching hard-nosed football to a talented but underachieving franchise


Dick Jauron, Bills - Not sure why the Bills hired this guy, he sucked with the Bears and he sucked with the Lions. They're gonna suck.



Art Shell, Raiders - Wait, seriously? The same one?




Brad Childress, Vikings - Who? Oh, that dude from the Eagles? Might help their offense, I guess?



Eric Mangini, Jets - Huh? Never heard of him. Wikipedia claims he's 35, that's pretty young.



Gary Kubiak, Texans - Who?




Rod Marinelli, Lions - Who are these guys?




Scott Linehan, Rams - I seriously don't know who the fuck any of these guys are.




Sean Payton, Saints - Where'd all these new motherfuckers come from??




Mike McCarthy, Packers - Whatever. This was a dumb idea.

Sports Headlines for Sunday, August 13

Reggie Bush, Vince Young make their pro debuts in Preseason Game - After Saints' 19-16 victory, reporters dare each other to ask Bush if he feels avenged for last year's Rose Bowl

Team USA Defeats Lithuania in World Basketball Championships, 104-90 - Ecstatic Lithuanian government proclaims August 12th National "90 Points Against the US" Day, giving the nation its first non-mob controlled national holiday (for the time being)

Manny Ramirez extends hit streak to 27 as Sox win - Boston media credits Manny's hit streak to David Ortiz being so clutch, it's rubbing off

Oleg Maskaev TKOs Hasim Rahman, wins Heavyweight Title - Rahman's defeat shocks the world, because they've actually heard of him

Federer advances to Rogers Cup Final - In a Cinderella Story for the ages, Roger Federer is just one win away from winning an ATP tournament

OLD-SCHOOL COLUMNIST:
Maurice Clarett Situation a Disgrace

So Maurice Clarett got arrested for carrying four loaded concealed firearms, attempted to kick policemen, and had to be maced before he could be taken to jail?

Typical.

Clarett's debacle is merely another chapter in the Book of Normal for today's pro athletes, who, when they're not busy murdering their girlfriends like Rae Carruth, divide their time among marijuana, domestic abuse, and, of course, loaded firearms. Sure, the only running Clarett will be doing from now on will be in jail, but the way most other NFL runningbacks act, there's only one place where they should be allowed to run: In Jail.

Of course, because of all the precious money the NFL owners would stand to lose by jailing every runningback in the league, don't expect it to happen any time soon. Clarett will be out of jail in no time, and I'm sure teams will be lining up to hand him seven-figure paychecks, signed literally with pens but figuratively with blood. Maybe his signing bonus could be some more guns? Or maybe they could just take the next step and wrap these runningbacks up in blankets and coddle them even more. What a joke.

The fact that Clarett's actions are considered acceptable in this day and age is a disgrace. If Red Grange could see this, he'd be rolling over in his grave, if he'd made enough money in his lifetime to afford a grave big enough to roll over in. I'm sure that won't be a problem for Clarett, though, or any of these NFL runningbacks for that matter. I just hope I'm not on the field when the shots go off. But I'm sure the NFL will turn its back to that too.

What a disgrace.

Old School Columnist is a regular contributor to TDS. He has written over fifty novels including "When The Game Was a Game" and "My Youth: Baseball's Golden Age", both of which are available on Amazon.com

Sports Headlines for Wednesday, August 9

Maurice Clarett Arrested; Vodka, Loaded Handguns, Hatchet Found in Car - Incident prompts FOX Sports show "The Hot List" to frantically revise their "10 Most Ridiculous Runningback Car Searches" List, removing Bam Morris from the top spot

Tedy Bruschi Out 4 Weeks With Broken Wrist - Claims "It's like my wrist had a stroke" in pathetic effort to garner votes for a second Comeback Player of the Year Award.

Reds acquire Todd Hollandsworth from the Indians - In their haste to add as many middle-relievers as possible, the Reds accidentally traded for Hollandsworth, but figure he can't be less useful than Kent Mercker

St. Louis Blues sign free-agent Goaltender Manny Legace - Tired of rotating a bunch of inconsistent young goalies, the Blues decide to sink their money into one inconsistent not-young goalie

Boston Bruins President Harry Sinden Steps Down After 17 Years - His departing words, "Sinden the clowns," results in multiple actual circus clowns being named his immediate successor; Bruins immediately become Vegas odds-on Cup favorites

He Shall Be Livan

The Diamondbacks acquired Livan Hernandez from the Washington Nationals on Monday for two minor-league pitchers. The reason for the move? Arizona wanted to take a chance on a veteran pitcher with playoff experience to bolster their short-term hopes of making a run at the postseason this year?

Nope.

The real reason, whether or not they knew it was the real reason, was that Arizona needed a pitcher who, if the team ends up making the playoffs and having success, lends his name very easily to a local radio-station parody song. If I'm a rock station in Phoenix, I'm already coming up with the lyrics to "Livan", set to the tune of Elton John's "Levon". I guarantee that if Arizona has any playoff success, which they sadly won't, that some radio in the Grand Canyon state would be blasting the lyrics "He was born a savior for the 'Backs on an August Day, When the New York Times said A-Rod is dead, And the Snakes Have Won!"

Will it be enough to enter the Pantheon of great sports songs, such as Seattle's "Sweet Shawn Alexander" (to the tune of "Sweet Home Alabama") or Pittsburgh's "Polamalu" (set to the Muppets' "Menomena")? Only time will tell. But in the meantime, I know who I'm rooting for down the stretch.

ESPN.COM Trade Deadline Chat

At Tuesday's trade deadline, espn.com held a special Trade Deadline Livechat with Rob Neyer. Kevin and I chimed in with plenty of questions, none of which were answered. Some examples -

Dan from Pittsburgh: What about the rumors of Joe Randa, Kip Wells and Craig Wilson for A-Rod? I don't think the Pirates should do it because he doesn't come through in the clutch like Randa.

Kevin from Philly: With Abreu gone, do you think the Phils could package Burrell and Arthur Rhodes for a top pitching prospect like Liriano or Pedro Martinez?

Kevin from Philly: Any validity to the Soriano for Terry Mulholland swap?

Dan from Pittsburgh: I heard The Mariners are interested in Craig Wilson. Who are The Mariners?

[Our friend Matt chimed in, and the questions got worse]

Matt from Pittsburgh: I'm wondering when the Pirates are going to pick up a solid sweeper. There are so many great players at that position that have been exposed to us by the World Cup. Thoughts.

Kevin from Philly: Any truth to the mega deal that has the Phils shipping Lieberthal and Geoff Geary to the Angels for Guerrero, Guerrero to the Timberwolves for Garnett, Iverson to the New York Liberty, and Danica Patrick to the Phils as Gordon's setup man?

[With time getting tighter, we tried to make the questions 1% more plausible to try to get an answer]

Dan from Cleveland: I think it's too early to count out the Indians. With their pickup of Hector Luna, I see them as being one lefty reliver short of being a World Series contender. Any chance they'll make that deal?

Kevin from Philly: You think any team is willing to pick up David Wright's ridiculous contract? If I were the Mets, I'd trade him for Eric Gagne in a heartbeart if they want to win the Series this year.

Dan from New York: When is George Steinbrenner gonna make a move? Abreu thing was a start, but come on, we need a righty second baseman and another reliever. Is Papelbon on the market?

[Still nothing, so we went back to abandoning reality]

Kevin from Philly: Any truth to the rumor that they're going to actually combine the Marlins and the D-Rays? I heard they'd be called the Panhandle Sea Creatures and their colors would be the most awesome combo of teal and purple, otherwise known as turple.

Kevin from Philly: Just wanted to let you know that in addition to Justin Germano, the Reds also threw in a mixed CD of Bronson Arroyo covering Oasis, OAR, and Guster to get Cormier from Philly

Kevin from Philly: You guys seen this Ortiz in Boston? Kid can hit. Needs a nickname. How about Big Batty?

[One final last ditch effort...]

TRADE UPDATE FROM JAYSON STARK: The Red Sox and the Braves have talked about a deal that would send Andruw Jones to Boston for Coco Crisp, Craig Hansen and a prospect. But according to an executive familiar with the discussions, the Braves made a counter offer, asking for Jon Lester to be the third player.

Dan from Pittsburgh: I heard The Red Sox and the Braves have talked about a deal that would send Andruw Jones to Boston for Coco Crisp, Craig Hansen and a prospect. But according to an executive familiar with the discussions, the Braves made a counter offer, asking for Jon Lester to be the third player. Is this true?

[Nothing. With so many important questions left unanswered, the trade deadline came and went as a confusing blur. How do we get confirmation on the "Panhandle Sea Creatures" rumor? Maybe we have to sign up for ESPN Insider...]